1. Slo-mo explosions
Capping off the opening bank robbery, our smooth-criminal heroes (including Idris Elba, Paul Walker, and Chris Brown) strut away from a fireball that barely blows a single hair out of place. Didn’t they see Will Ferrell spoof that exact shot in The Other Guys?
2. Off-target shooting
Until corpses pile up in the third act, the dueling cops and robbers aim less at each other than at every shatter-prone object around them, turning a Home Depot’s worth of windows and mirrors into jagged-edged confetti.
3. Hokey disguises
The gang repeatedly throws off the cops with ridiculous costumes: security guard, construction worker, traffic cop. If the heists don’t work out, they’re just an Indian chief away from a Village People cover band.
4. Russian bad guys
The protagonists may be a pack of thieving sociopaths, but the real bad guys — or so we’re led to believe — are Russian mobsters straight out of a Steven Seagal movie.
5. Stacks of cash
While grand larceny can be done via laptop these days, these thieves still prefer to knock off banks for piles of bills. Sadly, the big heist nets a shrimpy $12 million — about the catering budget of the last Ocean’s movie.
Forget the robberies — Takers‘ real crime is how shamelessly it steals from other, better heist movies. C-