When last night’s episode began with Snooki taking off her sombrero just long enough to vom her cigarette into the bushes while accidentally mooning the camera, you probably figured you and Jersey Shore were in for a quiet night. (Maybe you opened up a bottle of rosé, or turned on some light jazz.) After that act of splendid debasement, Shnookums decided she needed a bed with a man in it. First, she tried Pauly’s bed…but it was too hair gel-y. Second, she tried The Situation’s bed…but it was too six-packy. Finally, she tried Vinny’s bed… and it was juuuussst right. Little did Snooki realize that Vinny is DTS, which means “Down to Snuggle” and is “STD” backwards. Smushing ensued. By way of play-by-play, Snooki gifted us this nightmare: “It’s like putting a watermelon in a pinhole.”
So far, so silly. But viewers, what followed was a true tale of humanity, of misunderstood motives, of sister turning against sister. It was a tragedy of errors. See, Sammi is angry at Ronnie for being the worst boyfriend since anyone who has ever dated Snooki. She’s also angry at her housemates for lying to her. But she’s especially angry at the Mystery Note-Writer — who, remember, actually told her the truth — because they weren’t brave enough to tell her the truth in person. Meanwhile, JWoww is angry at Ronnie for being a doucheboat. But she’s even more angry at Sammi for not standing up for herself more.
Hence, Ronnie – essentially, this season’s villain – was reduced to squealing in the corner like an impotent henchman during last night’s big fights. (Ronnie is basically the Ross of Jersey Shore. “I was f—ing single!” = “We were on a break!” Also, Vinny is Chandler, Pauly D is Joey, Snooki is Phoebe, and I’ve lost interest.) Of course, we all know that Sammi is really just mad at Sammi, and JWoww is only mad at JWoww. At episode’s end, that was JWoww grabbing her own hair, and Sammi slapping her own face. Anger is just depression turned outwards. I think I read that on a fortune cookie. That was a really serious fortune cookie.
What else happened? Oh, the Situation briefly pulled off his Bruce Wayne mask to reveal the Batman within. He told Sammi, straight to her face, that Ronnie was “One Hundred Percent Wrong.” Thanks, Uncle Situation! He then brought a girl home. (Did anyone else notice that The Situation’s hook-up shirt is the same color as the bedroom walls?) “She definitely went to college,” he said proudly, sounding like a fisherman who just caught a swordfish who went to college.
Other important observations from the disgusting land of beautiful people:
-Sammi is quiet and has no self-esteem. Angelina is loud and has no self-esteem. Together, they are the Low Self-Esteem Theater.
-Snooki takes notes using a blue highlighter.
-When the girls cooked dinner, Pauly D sang to Situation, “How does it feel/not having to cook this Sunday meal,” to the tune of “Blue Monday.” He’s a DJ!
-This week’s Least Embarrassing Person is Vinny, who made up for all the smushing antics with this line about his fake bling, directed at JWoww: “It’s like your t—. Looks sick, but it’s fake.”
-Lest you think he’s cynical, Vinny followed that up with a line that could very well be the thesis of Jersey Shore: “With this spray-tan, this chain, and this fitted, how could she not love me?” Translation for normals: “With my fake skin, my fake nice things, and this baseball cap I had specially fitted to cover my receding hairline, how could another human being not understand who I really am?”
-Also, Pauly D kissed Angelina. Pardon me, readers, I have to remove my sombrero and vom my cigarette into the bushes.
PopWatchers, did any of you stick around for the Jersey Shore After Hours? Isn’t it adorable when the Julissa-bot tries to use emotions? Is Ronnie’s inability to self-realize evidence that he is actually a character out of a Greek Tragedy, whereas The Situation more closely resembles a Shakespearean fool? Will JWoww’s bountiful silicon help or hurt her in a catfight situation? For smushes’ sakes, sound off below!