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'The Real Housewives of D.C.' recap: 'It's all bollocks around here!'

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Image Credit: Stephen J. Boitano/BravoI can’t yet tell who is more diabolical: Michaele or Tareq. Michaele loves squeaks! loves giggle! everybody, but there are sharp wheels turning behind her scary shining eyes. She will cut a bitch with her clavicle. Tareq strikes me as having serious anger management issues. I thought his Cosby-era sweater would explode in a rage as Cat continued to needle away at him at the Salahis’ Great Grape Stomp sponsored by the American Polo Club brought to you by Oasis wines pending litigation in two Virginia Counties brought by their lawyer who is currently working on a restraining order against Tareq’s mother who may have been the one to call Secret Service on their asses when they snuck into the Congressional Black Caucus dinner.

Cat, who despises everything, especially American everythings, looked like she wanted to take a handful of those supermarket grapes and angrily smear them all over Tareq’s face. Instead she settled for a loop of sneering asides about her full-of-bollocks hosts. “So tell me, what’s your Mom’s shenanigans?” she brusquely demanded after their limo of guests had been warned that Tareq’s mysterious mother had sent a pesky reporter to lurk on the outskirts of embattled vineyard grounds and that not one but two men in blazers were required to keep the party safe. Tell me Bravo that we’re going to meet this mysterious woman and hear her side of the story! Michaele does not like to be pushed. “We’re excited you’re here!” she sing-songed to Cat. “We’re happy to have that behind us! Let’s love everybody!” For all her declarations of love and lollipops (where is that Housewives spin-off that maroons cast crazies like Michaele, Kelly, and Danielle on a desert island?), her smile freezes scarily when confrontation is afoot.

But for all the Salahi’s ridiculousness, Cat was in serious need of a time-out, justly administered by Michaele’s sassy assistant: “Love is better than being bitchy towards everybody!” That stifled Cat’s poison-dripped rants but then she exploded in a litany of loud claims of bollocks. She skipped out on a dinner with the hair stylist Jason, who told terrific precedent-setting tales of the Salahis sneaking them into the Congressional Black Caucus dinner without tickets and then inexplicably weaseling their way out from the Secret Service’s grip into the VIP section. It’s probably a good thing that she missed dinner because Tareq looked ready to lace her glass of Oasis Sutter’s Home chardonnay. “You’re really passionate dahling, I’ll give you that,” Cat dripped condescendingly as she said her goodbyes. Tareq, restraining himself from whacking her on the head with Thompson Seedless Grapes crate, looked purple in the face as he managed a testy “Mmm-humm” in response.

Over dinner Michaele tried to stir up some drama while simultaneously preaching the need for light and love. Wasn’t it Mary’s best friend Lynda who picked a fight with Michaele’s skinny ass? Fine, fine, her dear friend. Wasn’t it Mary herself who partook in a Michaele hen-pecking session in the Four Seasons pre-party suite? “I have no history that’s negative,” demurred Mary, who clearly has raised five children and so was able to put on her best soothing Love and Logic tone. I like Mary a lot. And I have to agree with mean old Cat here that high gloss black walls just does not suit her natural warmth. I’m glad that Jason and Stacie were there at dinner. They are the reliable voices of reason on this cast. Stacie, with no allegiances to defend, tells it like it is. (And a pox upon her birth mother who meanly and ignorantly refers to her as “the Secret.”) So come now Mary. Lynda can squeeze Michaele’s butt at a party and whisper “I love you” but these two women are not each other’s friends. And simmer Michaele. You can imagine that you were the breathless subject of gossip but Mary never uttered a word against you. As the dinner conversation degenerated Tareq looked ready to rip his face off at the end of the table. This was supposed to be his night to inelegantly work his products into toasts, dammit! In scenes for next week, he cruelly lassoes the conversation with unnecessarily mean accusations against Mary’s Miss Lolly.

Next week Cat continues her crude campaign to become the least-liked woman in D.C. by showing up to an event in a lame Sarah Palin costume. What is wrong with this woman?

Would you rather be subjected to an evening with Cat or one with Tareq? Keep in mind that you’d probably have to pick up the tab if you chose Tareq and if you picked Cat you’d have to listen to her talk about her heh-larious adventures and at some point in the evening she’d call you an Ugly American. Less Michaele, more Ebong? Did tales of the Salahis’ escapades at the Congressional Black Caucus dinner make you actually look forward to seeing them busted big time later in the season? I dare say I’m suddenly a little invested in the series.