On last night’s Jersey Shore, Sammi found Snooki and JWoww’s note, but they wouldn’t admit they wrote it. Ronnie and Sammi broke up and got back together 18 more times, but for now it’s really over (until she walks back into his room), because he invited another girl down at the beginning of May for some S. Angelina won’t do dishes, The Situation’s in training for the Grand Prix, and Snooki built a fire. So, not much. But it was still a fantastic episode — because the amount of amazing life guidelines provided by the cast was just staggering! After the break, 25 things I learned about hippo care, etiquette, breast behavior, and more. Learn it; live it; f— it.
1. Establish a zookeeper of household (ZOH) early on.
2. Arrange the animals you keep at your zoo/house thoughtfully — or “wisely,” as Snooki would never say. The Situation: “You have to separate the hippopotamus from her good-looking friend.”
3. Especially if one of the animals could detonate. The Situation: “I will extract the hot one and leave the grenade to blow up Ronnie’s room by herself.”
4. Put the hippopotamus to bed. Then take Christine or Kristen or whatever her name is in to the Smash Room.
5. Remember to keep zoo animals hydrated.
6. If you’ve handled the animals inappropriately, give a heads up. Vinny to JWoww: “You don’t wanna touch that hand.”
7. Actually, just give a heads up regardless. JWoww: “I’m gonna pee myself.”
8. Especially if your detonation schedule is becoming dangerously repetitive. Sammi to The Situation re: Ronnie: “I’m gonna keep exploding on him until I hit him in the face.”
9. Don’t even hit the treadmill. The Situation to Angelina: “Hit the elliptical. It’s better for you.”
10. Hug in the middle of the street. Don’t worry, traffic will stop. You’re from Jersey Shore, bitch!
11. Even if it kills you, never exclude someone from ravioli night.
12. Just give Pauly D his Social Security number and he’ll have him taken care of.
13. If you’re Miami, watch out (for this hair).
14. Break(up)dance if you want to. ‘Cause Angelina won’t dance and if Pauly don’t dance, then he’s no friend of Shnooks.
15. Hide important notes amidst a contained heap of trash. She’ll find it!
16. Dress to impress for work. Usually customers just want gelato, but at any moment one of them could decide he wants to fund your race car-driving career instead. You never know.
17. Don’t speak. Just sign it out. He’ll know that you mean it’s an anonymous letter to your girlfriend about the time you licked Watermelon Pucker and Hep C from a waitress’ breasts.
18. Don’t look at him.
19. Look at him though. He loves you. Look at him more than anything he made a mistake he admits it he did what he did. Just go to the bathroom.
20. If it’s on paper, it’s the truth.
21. “I was blacked out that night” is always the perfect alibi.
22. Wear these sunglasses at night.
23. Always look your breast.
24. To everything, there is a season.
25. Above all else: Be generous with your time. The Situation: “I’m hookin’ up with this girl, your girl’s girl, and her girlfriend’s girlfriend’s girlfriend. Somebody’s gotta do it.”
Bonus lesson from next week: Don’t burn your hair (extensions) off when you cook!
Learn anything else last night? Enlighten us in the comments!