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'Big Brother' recap: Britney and Brendon get kinky with handcuffs and a bath!

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Remember how nothing was going to come between Rachel and her man? Well, I wonder how she feels about Brendon taking numerous baths in chum while handcuffed to one of the hottest blondes in Big Brother history. (ZING!) I know how I feel about it — great! [Spoiler Alert: Read on only if you have already watched Wednesday’s episode of Big Brother.]

Of course, Brendon being handcuffed to Britney and bathing in ground-up fish every hour on the hour weren’t actually rewards, but punishments he endured to win the golden power of veto. (He also shaved his head.) Little did we viewers know that we would be punished ourselves with the return of Mr. Pectacular, but more on that lunkhead later. The POV challenge involved contestants accepting points for agreeing to endure punishments, and losing points for accepting prizes. The person who ended up with the most points won. That person would not be Lane, who scored a phone call from his family, or Hayden, who buzzed in for both a Hawaiian vacation and $5,000, informing us in perhaps the least surprising Big Brother quote ever that “That’s more money than I’ve made in the past two years!”

Britney was upset that her fellow competitors ended up being such lame-os and threw herself a one woman pity party. Little did she know things were about to get even worse when she opened…PANDORA’S BOX!!! She was promised one hour of advice by a former Big Brother contestant. Why anyone would accept this is beyond me. I would never accept any advice from anyone that had ever appeared on Big Brother. Not dating advice. Not laundry advice. Not spelling advice. And certainly not any sort of advice about anything remotely involving strategy. But in Britney went. Her “prize” was having to sit and watch Jessie primp and preen, while the rest of the house got to enjoy a Hawaiian luau. In either an amazing act of cross-promotional restraint or — more likely — an egregious oversight, CBS declined to awkwardly work in a promotion for their upcoming remake of Hawaii Five-0. No doubt someone at the network is being fired right now for not making that happen.

The big question — other than when Mr. Pectacular would get the hell off my TV screen — was whom Britney would put up as a replacement nominee. The Brigade wanted to backstab Matt and have him up, while Matt wanted to backstab his new bestie, Ragan. Justice was done when self-proclaimed genius Matt was eventually put on the block. This was an amazing development for those of us who have learned to irrationally hate the man since being subjected every 10 minutes to his “All day, baby, all day” sound bite on the incessant ads to watch the Big Brother live feeds on CBS.com, yet still somehow not as amazing as the fact that I have not yet mentioned that Enzo spent half of this latest episode dressed up as a penguin.

Did Britney make the right decision? Does “Private Toolbag” look better pre- or post-buzz cut? And who are the two people you want to see leave on Thursday’s double eviction show? Post your thoughts on the message boards, but first make sure to check out my exit interview with Kathy below, which features the glorious return of the Zingbot 3000! And for more Big Brother news and views, follow me on Twitter @EWDaltonRoss.