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'Dating in the Dark' recap: The 24-year-old virgin

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I know you’ve been waiting all day for the third Dating in the Dark photo recap. It’s become the highlight of your Tuesday, practically the only reason it’s worth getting out of bed in the morning in this cruel world that wants single people to — ewwww — look at each other. Vision if you’ve got it! That is what the world says. Well, sadly it’s getting late and I’m not going to post an exhaustive recap. You can blame the 10 best O-faces of the Miss Universe pageant for taking up my time. Perhaps I have failed.

But I do want you to know that I sure did recognize Billy, a Chippendales dancer, from season 1 of ABC’s True Beauty. What a tool! By no means a larger tool than any of the other tools who appear on multiple reality shows, but a tool nonetheless. Billy was excited to date in the dark because that way, women wouldn’t instantaneously be reduced to puddles of their own scar treatment creams and crushed boric acid tablets upon seeing Billy’s treasure trifecta:  “the blonde hair, the blue eyes, the smile.” Billy also looks exactly like a cooler guy I met in 2006 who ended up making out with my gay best friend in the basement of a bar for so long that we almost missed a Madonna concert. He also happens to have won EW.com’s much-touted Best Euphemism for ‘Unemployed’ of the Week!

Fine. I’ve scattered a small heap of Dating in the Dark gems after the break.

Nikki, a men’s hairstylist (not a women’s — let’s be clear!) *accidentally* makes a well-known hand gesture. She’s just excited about the challenge. So to speak.

Related subject matter? Here, the “ladies” discuss how great it is that salesman Jonny, 28, keeps it simple by owning toothpaste and not much else. What makes it a gem, obviously, is the fact that it’s subtitled.

Here is the exact moment I decided to take a nap.

In addition to the collection of “gangsta rap” CDs in her car, makeup that is LIGHTER THAN BILLY’S SKIN TONE is incontrovertible proof to Jonny (left) that Lisa (inset) is Latina. They all agree. “Yep, it’s all there.”

Twenty-seven-year-old wedding planner Chelsea’s face right after Brian, a 24-year-old motivational speaker (and runner-up for Best Euphemism for ‘Unemployed’ of the Week) said, “I go to this rockin’ young adult service on Tuesday nights.” I wish you could hear the sound of silence.

Just FYI, this is Brian. He seems straight out of central casting to me.

Postal carrier Lisa reacts to Brian’s announcement that he’s a virgin…..

….saving himself for marriage….

….who can’t drive. Whoa, that was way harsh, Tai.

Even harsher: After Lisa asks Brian, “Do you feel that if a girl has had a sexual partner already is disvalued? [sic]” he answers: “We all make mistakes.”

Chelsea, another total tool who won’t shut up about how she doesn’t have the body of a Barbie as if anyone had accused her of that, enjoys herself in bed (?) after Billy decides that since he’d bonded with her so much on their one-on-one date, he should cut his one-on-one date with Lisa short. She’s just so happy that someone else got rejected instead of her! Whatever! Eat it losers!

Chelsea was so happy she “cried.”

At the big reveal, Billy was clearly kind of disgusted by Chelsea. Don’t blame him, it’s just that he usually dates “girls that are into weight training and running.” Things like that.

Billy’s reaction to Chelsea once he was safely in the men’s waiting area: “That’s not the type of body that I usually date.”

EVEN SO, Billy met Chelsea on the balcony! They rode off together in the cab, but we all know (or just I do, because you didn’t watch) they’ll never see each other again. Nikki and Jonny met each other on the balcony, too, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re still together and maybe living in her cluttered clown car. Tragically, Brian the Christian/motivational speaker/virgin left Lisa waiting on the balcony because people in a committed relationship “need to have the same core values.” Good luck finding your perfect virgin, Brian. Lisa doesn’t seem too hung up about it, though. “My Prince Charming does exist,” she says. He’s on his horse somewhere, trying to find me.” At least he knows how to ride.

Quote of the night: Billy, re: his vitamin store. “I don’t sell, it, I live it.” MY VITAMIN STORE.

I’ll be on vacation for the next two weeks, so that’s another reason I wasn’t going to do Dating in the Dark today. No one is going to post about Dating in the Dark while I’m gone, you guys. I could tell you it “might happen,” but that would be nearly as preposterous as telling you I moonlight as a stripper and have been writing PopWatch items from a new-age gems and healing crystals store (that of course I own) this whole time. Get real. You and I both know that only one of those claims is possible.

The end.

Read more:

‘Dating in the Dark’ episode 2: Coming together

‘Dating in the Dark’ season premiere: A photo recap

Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett