Welcome back to Jersey Shore, bitches! This week, the stage was set for the attention to hone in on Snooki and her long-distance “boyfriend” Emilio, who lives in a bar. But Sammi — that bitch! — swiped the spotlight as usual because her dysfunctional relationship is playing out in the correct (U.S., but not mental) state. Ronnie’s been creeping and the girls have decided Sammi should know. But instead of just telling her, Snooki and JWoww decide to type her a letter in a “cybr cafe” because they are apparently study-abroad students in the late ’90s. They plan to drop the letter in her “drawww” (drawer) to avoid conflict, which should definitely work because why would Sammi suspect that a letter hidden in her bedroom might have come from inside the house?
I was thinking J&S should have considered mailing the letter, but it is probably dangerous to assume that they know their own address. And how would they find a stamp? They’d probably need to drive to the airport or something. And who has the time? It’s an hour-long show. Join me for more insightful Jersey Shore commentary — and screengrabs! — after the break. No grenades, okay? Show some respect for the house. Love you bitches.
We open on Tweedle-Wee and Tweedle-Rum strolling past a store that only sells white clothing. Pshaw! “What if you get your period?” Snooki wonders. Exactly.
They go home. Sammi, who lives in her bed, asks Snooki and JWoww, “Has Ronnie been f***ing with me?” Technically, no. Do you ever see him in your house/bed? But S and J were silent. “Nicole was just like zoning out and I don’t know if it was because she’s upset about Emilio,” complained Sammi.
I think she might have just been asleep?
It’s jarring when they call each other “Jenni” and “Nicole.” Those people sound like ladies!
Snooki calls her boyfriend, but he’s not into it because there are a bunch of half-naked girls around. “F*** you!” She hangs up. He calls her back. Snooki holds a blue bear to represent…not his balls.
Emilio admits that he “f***ed a girl.” He’s being serious, he’s being honest with her. “A girl f***ed me tonight.” Well which is it? “I f***ed up tonight,” he decides. Just kidding just kidding just kidding just kidding. He wasn’t being serious at all! At this point, Snooki screams, but at the very beginning of her attempt to snap her own neck off through the sheer force of her noggin, I detected what I’m pretty sure was a GRIN! Like she was so pumped for how dramatic the moment would be that she forgot she was supposed to be pissed!
Right after she screeched, my boyfriend, who was trying his best not to pay attention, looked up from his laptop and asked “Is this a horror movie you’re watching?” I didn’t want to explain so I said yes. I HATE him but that’s because I LOVE him. Ugh, men!
Snooki: “[Men] don’t know how to deal with women, and that’s why I feel the lesbian rate is going up in this country.”
Emilio kept calling and thought JWoww was the voicemail. So they f***ed with him for awhile and then Voicemail told Emilio “You’re just a drunk skank with no f***ing job. So just get it through your head, okay?” And please leave a message!
The girls decided to break all the dishes in the house, because why wouldn’t they do that? Ain’t their money! Snooki gets in the best “shatter”. Sammi participates but when they zoomed in it was just one piece of one dish. How awful!
Those dishes deserved it. Angelina will clean that up in the morning. All right? Thank you.
Thanks to JWoww for providing the funniest visual moment of the night by wandering into Sammi/Snooki’s confessional just so she could plant her iron rack in the center of the frame. Hidden Gem alert! No one wants to be left out!
Then Sammi stands over Ronnie like that possessed chick in Paranormal Activity and demands to know if “it” was “worth it” to him. She’d been waiting for him like she was a bitch. “You are a bitch,” Ronnie mumbles. So that is cleared up. If the horse is dead, you’ve gotta leave it alone.
The terrible two engage in their typical attempt to prolong their relationship while delivering solid proof of how horrible it is. “Why are you with me?” “F*** you!” “I hate myself every day when I’m with you.” You know, pillow talk.
Ronnie: “I don’t like tests. It’s why I didn’t go to college. Don’t test me!”
Sammi: “F*** me!” But he won’t.
The Situation cooks Sunday dinner, hoping that Snooki won’t drop the chicken on the floor. Instead, he spills food all over the floor. Snooki sloppily opens champagne; the organization of the refrigerator is problematic. They’re drunk, right? Even if you think they’re only beginning to drink, it’s just a front? And then they eat.
But not before f***ing Angelina f***ing bitches about the spill from the other room, just to pretend she’s involved and drag down morale. “Are you f***ing kidding me?” F***ing princess.
Cheers! “Love you bitches.”
Ronnie says Angelina has diarrhea of the mouth. Oh my God, does that hurt? How did Ronnie get through med school if he doesn’t like tests?
Vinny: “Victoria should have kept this one a secret.” Guess who he’s talking about? No seriously this is a bit of a challenge.
They’re playing some sort of trivia game that reminds me of a terrible horrible no good very bad “game” the girls in my junior high used to play. We’d go around the circle at sleepovers naming one thing we liked AND ONE THING WE HATED about each person. It sucked! Why would we do that! But the point of this post-Sunday dinner game is more along the lines of finding out who Sammi would want to take a dump on her chest.
And then Ronnie somehow gets this slip of paper: “Have you ever cheated on your girlfriend?” HIs first answer is “no” but after seconds of thought it evolves into “Well, yeah.”
Situation: “It’s only a matter of time before she puts two and two together. He needs to give up his cookie. You need to give up that cookie so you can find another one. I’m eating chocolate chip cookies every night.”
They all go out, and there are disco lights and shadowy figures and grinding and the usual delights, but all I can focus on as usual is the way all of the female cast members stroke their hair to make sure the extensions haven’t disappeared back into their original womb (the gutter). Ronnie’s taking advantage of being a muscular guy followed by a camera crew so of course, Sammi flounces. “Wow. I hate him. I don’t wanna be with him.” She should really carry around a voice recorder so she can listen to some of the more reasonable things she says, like Tobias in Arrested Development. (Oh yeah I went there!) “In my head, I wanna move on, but in my heart, I don’t.” Sammi is profound.
So the girls leave, and the guys follow them (except Ronnie). Men are yelling at them on the street because they look like hookers. Ronnie’s riding away in a cab. “I’m better than that. That’s for damn sure.” Nah. They all go to B.E.D. about a billion years after Sex and the City pretended B.E.D. was cool. But Ronnie just goes to real bed.
They’re home! The pillow talk ensues. Sammi hates Ronnie but she takes care of him anyway because no one has ever been this wasted in history.
JWoww and Snooki are so hilarious in the confessional cubicle that I REWIND JERSEY SHORE. To punish myself, I deliberately fall off of my couch while attempting to aim for the heave bucket on the floor.
Ronnie fell not once, but twice! The second was just your typical loss of balance, as if the powerful vortex of patterned beanbag chair/corner of a room was magnetically drawing him in. Jersey Shore is a lot like Lost.
Ronnie starts puking “nonstop, like The Exorcist,” says Vinny. But in the morning, Ronnie graduates from vomiting to burping, and that’s fine with Sammi so now they’re back together.
Oh and they still pretend-work at the gelato “parlor,” which is open to the public and you know what that means: Sometimes people think they deserve ice cream even though they don’t deserve to live because they’re….LAW STUDENTS. Disgusting!
Pauly D rolls his eyes. Vinny: “We’re in Miami. I don’t want girls studying for finals. I want girls studying for c***.”
While Tweedle-Wee and Tweedle-Rum get their internet cafe on to type an anonymous letter to Sammi (she’ll believe it because they used complete sentences…and I did notice here that Snooks is quite the little typist!), Sammi takes Angelina out because the producers made her. Sammi pretends she thinks Angelina is “very honest and real.”
Back at the ranch, the Tweedles ask Angelina why she didn’t just tell Sammi everything, and she’s like whatever. “Like, what am I gonna be, the drama-starter in this house?” You wish.
JWoww: “At the end of the day, we’re doing the right thing by her without jeopardizing the house.” True. But if they keep lying to each other their flaming brooches combined with all the “product” will surely burn it down. Good luck everyone!
Oh, best moment of the night: The guys randomly attempt to do laundry but the f***ing 24-hour laundromat is closed and we get this amazing voiceover: “SHUT DOWN! GTL!”
In conclusion, I’m not sure how much longer I can wait for JWoww to sleep with a guy and then rip his head off. She promised.
Thoughts on this week’s laugh riot? Who will Sammi think wrote the letter?
Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett