Not a whole lot happened on this week’s Jersey Shore, which felt like more of a bridge to future drama than it did a fully baked episode in its own right. Angelina (finally) admitted she talked trash about Snooki and JWoww, and was “brought in” to the family. We learned the valuable lesson that the general public vehemently rejects the concept of the shirtless food-industry worker, no matter how sculpted his abs may be. And Sammi welcomed Ronnie back in to her bed just hours after being the recipient of her regularly scheduled “you’re a f—ing bitch!” from the charmingest charmer who ever charmed. (Parents, be sure to let your little girls tune in to Jersey Shore this season, because Sammi really provides a wonderful example of how to maintain one’s dignity and self-respect in a committed long-term relationship!)
But hey, as I am learning from my foray into recapping MTV’s guilty pleasure (double the guilt for only 50 cents more!), it’s not really about the plot. To that end, here are the Most Ridiculous/Horrifying/Possibly Amusing Moments of the Episode (titled “Creepin'”):
* If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, then I think we could say Pauly is from reality and Angelina is from delusion. I loved how many times Pauly had to spell out that he was accepting Angelina’s apology for drunkenly slapping him the previous night, but didn’t necessarily want to hang out with her anymore. “Okay, well, have fun. But unfortunately your fun conflicts with our fun, so do it on your own!” Honestly, even if he’d had a chalkboard and a laser pointer, she wouldn’t have understood.
* The Situation will probably never make a great attorney. Trying to get the housemates to give Angelina a fresh start, he argued “take her up on the way she acts now.” Problem was, she’d just come off an evening of physically assaulting Pauly, then waking up and not remembering said violence thanks to the fact that she was completely obliterated.
* JWoww thinks it’s okay to substitute a sling for a blouse. “Jenni’s tits definitely defied gravity. Albert Einstein should come back and rewrite his law of physics and work it around Jenni’s tits,” gaped Vinny.
* Ronnie thinks it’s okay to make sexual gesticulations while holding a Special K box. Oh, and he also pushes women. But only when he’s really drunk, so that makes it okay apparently? And suddenly, there’s a new winner in the “worst person in the house” sweepstakes!
* Snooki makes sloppy drunkenness pretty hilarious. I’ll admit it: I laughed out loud watching her drunk-dial her boyfriend (while gently molesting Vinny), then accidentally knock over a table, and finally (and casually) hang up on said boyfriend mid-conversation. Here’s hoping Snooki and Vinny kept it platonic in the bed, despite his morning-after confusion: “Did I bang Snooki last night?!”
* I’m not going to talk about about the “grenades” in the hottub, and especially the way the guys played catch with the rogue stuffing that slipped out of one of the ladies’ bikinis. Maybe I’m being overly sensitive on this one, but the line between trashy humor and blatant misogyny isn’t that thin. (Then again, no one forced those skeezers to be on camera.) Plus, if Paulie, Vinnie, and The Situation want to get into the business of doling out neck-up critiques, they really should start the process in their own mirrors. Just sayin’.
* The show’s saving grace is Snooki’s own ability to make fun of herself. “I can’t see any ice creams, I can’t see customers, because I’m a f—ing midget Smurf!” she shouted, while venting her frustration at the gelato shop. The way the producers zoomed in on the top of her head peeking from behind the counter (with a dinging sound effect) was definitely a good look for the wee, orange lady.
What did you think of this week’s Jersey Shore? Sound off in the comments below!