I know. I didn’t think it was possible either, but psychotic redhead Rachel truly hit a new low on the latest episode of Big Brother. [SPOILER ALERT: Read on only if you’ve already watched Wednesday’s episode.] She and her equally cringe-inducing boyfriend Brendon turned Wednesday’s episode into a tag-team assault of annoyingness. Up first: Brendon, who reacted to being nominated by Matt by telling the alleged brains of the Brigade, “Hope you like step stools. Midget.” Wow, unimaginative and offensive. Nice. TAG! Now it’s Rachel’s turn to cry to Brendon, cry in the diary room, cry at the make-shift Big Brother bowling alley, and cry under her blankey. TAG! Brendon’s back! He’s totally sucking trying to knock down bowling pins in the Veto competition, so what does he do? He chucks his last one overhand at poor Jeff Schroeder, who only wants to promote his CBS web series and look adorable in matching pink shirts with girlfriend Jordan. What are you thinking, Brendon? You’re lucky he didn’t go Technotronic on your ass! TAG! Rachel’s pissed? Why? I HAVE NO IDEA!!!
It seems Kathy was happy about beating Rachel in the veto competition (which was won by the only contestant in the house worth rooting for, Britney) and Miss Thang didn’t appreciate the Southern sheriff’s enthusiasm. The woman who previously pleaded with Brendon to “please be classy” now was demanding an apology for, well, nothing. Kathy refused to engage and believed she could best defuse the situation by walking away. Nice try, Kathy! Once the Crazy Train is on the tracks, that sucker simply can’t be stopped. Kathy tried hiding out in every room in the damn house before finally taking refuge in the sanctuary of the HOH bedroom, leading to this genius warning from Britney: “Kathy, if you apologize to her I will slap you in the face.”
The other thing weird thing about this was…HELLO, EW.COM READERS. THIS IS THE SABOTEUR. I HAVE HIJACKED THIS BIG BROTHER COLUMN TO INFORM YOU THAT I HAVE HIDDEN A BLOCK OF STINKY CHEESE UNDER YOUR COMPUTER. I KNOW, IT IS POSITIVELY DIABOLICAL. AREN’T YOU IMPRESSED WITH WHAT AN EVIL MASTERMIND I AM? OH, WHAT NEFARIOUS DEEDS WILL I DO NEXT? PERHAPS I WILL PLANT A TYPO IN NEXT WEEK’S COLUMN (ALTHOUGH THAT IDIOT ROSS IS USUALLY GOOD FOR A FEW OF THOSE ON HIS OWN). PERHAPS I WILL POST A PHOTO GALLERY OF BIG BROTHER 11’S NATALIE, THE ONLY PERSON WHO COMES TO MIND THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE MORE ANNOYING THAN RACHEL. OR MAYBE I WILL CREATE A VIDEO LOOP OF MATT FROM THE BIG BROTHER CBS.COM ADS SAYING “ALL DAY, BABY. ALL DAY”—SURE TO DRIVE YOU INSANE AFTER 3 SHORT MINUTES OF VIEWING. BEWARE, EW.COM READERS. BEWARE.
Oh my God! The Saboteur strikes again! It’s actually quite amazing the way Saboteur 2.0 has turned out to be lamer than the first one (another thing I didn’t think was possible). Stealing Rachel’s hair extensions? Hiding cheese? Seriously? I also love the way that the Saboteur himself, Ragan, is basically not involved at all in the sabotage. I guess he picks one of several options that have been given to him and then Big Brother creates a video that is most likely not even him (or at most him reciting from a script that was clearly written by producers) that is then shown to the houseguests. I wish I could have seen executive producer Allison Grodner’s face when the Saboteur tried to convince Rachel that Brendon had been throwing challenges and she was like, “Yeah, I don’t believe it and I don’t care.” The only thing the Saboteur has sabotaged is the quality of this season, which was shaky at best to begin with.
Speaking of shaky, that would also describe Brendon’s strategy at the POV ceremony, where he did his best Captain Kosher impersonation by berating Britney…and then asking her to use the Veto on him!!! WHAT PLANET DO THESE PEOPLE COME FROM?!? (Shocker! Britney kept the nominations as is.) This was Brendon’s attempt to save his girlfriend by falling on his own sword, but my image of Brendon falling on his own sword is him placing the sword on the ground and then falling the wrong way, hitting the dirt, and then complaining that the entire thing is “crap.” Ugh. I better stop writing before I get really angry.
What about you, Big Brother fans? Was it nice to see Jeff and Jordan back? Are you loving Britney as much as I am? And which knucklehead should get the boot on Thursday — Brendon or Rachel? (I say Brendon so we can enjoy Rachel truly losing her marbles for another week.) Hit the message boards and let us know. And for more reality ramblings, follow me on Twitter @EWDaltonRoss.