1. Ed Norton will not reprise Hulk role in The Avengers; studio press release not-so-subtly suggests Norton isn’t team player
2. Village People dismayed by YMCA’s decision to shorten its name to just Y
Please don’t tell them about the Navy’s decision to go with ”Happy Fun Time Floaty Boat Thing.”
3. Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher start Master Cleanse
I spent the weekend trimming some hangnails and trying to cut back on moonshine. What? I thought we were sharing.
4. After a year of looking like a hobo, Brad Pitt finally shaves off goatee
Angelina kept losing their kids in it.
5. Nicolas Cage takes 4-year-old son to premiere of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, his first glimpse of Dad on the big screen
Wow. It takes a brave father to set his child on the path toward seeing The Wicker Man.
6. LeBron James ditches hometown Cavaliers to play for Miami Heat
Cleveland becomes first American city to be powered by a unique new fuel alternative: burning NBA jerseys.
7. Office stars John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer get married
Not to each other. Again, to repeat for the overzealous fan-fiction writers among us: Not to each other.
8. Lindsay Lohan’s three-month prison sentence likely to be reduced to a few weeks
L.A.’s fledgling profane-manicurist community breathes sigh of relief, stops postdating rent checks.
9. Switzerland rejects U.S. request to extradite Roman Polanski
There goes the reality show.
10. El Pulpo Paul, the psychic octopus, retires after correctly picking eight out of eight World Cup match winners
Hit List exclusive: Octopus recently hired as new president of NBC. Will be paid in mussels, just like Ben Silverman.