One way to combat the oppressive heat, I’ve found, is to will myself onto a hypothetical tundra and just sit there (a.k.a. here at my desk) for a while and pretend I am Sanka in the ice cream truck. My ultimate winter wonderland fantasy is the “Poor Leno” music video from Norwegian electropop duo Royksopp. But devoting an entire post to a Norwegian electropop duo would be almost as ridiculous as the current temperature. So I shan’t! After the jump, the first 10 Things That Are Freezing I could think of. Brrrrrrr! It’s so cold! Come on, you have to play along.
The Sopranos, “Pine Barrens.” There are only ketchup packets to eat, so you’ll probably lose some weight! Bikini bod here you come!
Die Another Day‘s Ice Palace. It would be especially chilling to be Zao, who had to tread in freezing water while waiting to be impaled by a chandelier.
Changes for Samantha: A Winter Story. Ooh, this sixth book in the American Girls series was soooo cold. Nellie and her sisters escaped the evil orphanage, but there weren’t enough blankets in Samantha Parkington’s NYC pad, and then Gertrude the maid thought Samantha was being a total pig eating all of the Valentine’s Day cookies herself. Wouldn’t you like to be hiding in Uncle Gard and Aunt Cornelia’s attic? The only thing that would make life more fun, brisk, and refreshing would be if you too could afford an elegant hat and muff!
A Christmas Story. You wish your tongue was stuck to this frozen pole.
OH GOD YES. The video for “Tony the Beat” by The Sounds
Madonna’s “Vogue” performance at the 1990 VMAs. Beauty’s where you fanned it.
Four-hour ice blocks of the Winter Olympics you still haven’t deleted from your DVR. Imagine how much better your life would be if you were any of these people. Sure you’d have wiped out and ended up with a possible concussion. But you’d be an Olympian.
Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up, it’s bobsled time! COOL RUNNINGS!
Annie and the Wild Animals (my autobiography). Again, it would be so amazing to nearly freeze to death in the great outdoors. Mmm, corn cakes! Does this voice sound like Laura Silverman (it’s not), or am I really about to pass out right now?
Royksopp, “Poor Leno.” Seriously this is your best bet for cooling off, and Poor Leno’s experience of feeling trapped and stifled is so relatable even though he’s stuck in a museum and you are probably free but just hot. Wait for his exhilarating alpine body skiing joyride near the end!
You’re welcome for sparing you the trailer for 1993’s Alive. I have no idea how “Cold-Hearted” and “Cold As Ice” were left off, but it looks like Paula’s bound by so much stretch fabric and working up a serious sweat in the first one, and the second should really be heard and not seen.
Oh and obviously I forgot Lucille Bluth’s collection of fur coats that Luz the maid dragged onto the bus, but that is more of an all-seasons fantasy.
Name more pop culture things that are freezing: Go!
Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett