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'Conan the Barbarian: The Musical': Crush your enemies!

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PopWatchers, what is best in life? The open steppe? Falcons at your wrist? The wind in your hair? Wrong, wrong, WRONG! To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women: That is what is best in life! This is but one of several important life lessons your children will learn from 1982’s Conan the Barbarian, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger before he was fiscally conservative. Conan has now been YouTube-ized into a musical, featuring a mock-Ahnuld soundalike warbling a song of vengeance that hews surprisingly close to the movie’s actual plot. My favorite part is at 2:11, when the singer does a spot-on impression of Arnold’s “I’m in pain!” scream, which sounds something like this: “Aaaaghygghiighaaahhaiii!”

Forget The Producers and Shrek, how come movies like this never get the Broadway treatment? I’d pay big money to see Commando, especially if it included an entire dance number of people getting their arms chopped off. And will the makers of Conan the Barbarian: The Musical bless us with the inevitably-terrible sequel Conan the Destroyer: The Musical? Because we all know that every sequel needs a castle made of ice.

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