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'Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: The Big D

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Real-Housewives-NJ

It was Teresa v. Danielle, face to face, for the first time in months. Finally, the Housewives showdown we have been waiting for! “After I flipped the table,” (because all good stories start that way) Teresa said, trying to stay classy while still managing to degrade Danielle… Sadly, it was cut short in a sneaky effort by Bravo to milk what may be the most dramatic moments of an otherwise boring season. Instead of a final fight that might provide some closure or dare I say resolution, we got yet another tired and ridiculous episode dragging along the Danielle “conflict.” Producers, find another storyline, fast! Looks like we’ll have to wait two weeks for police, crying, and Housewives hitting the deck, which really, is all you can ask of a good episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

To begin last night’s episode, Jacqueline and Teresa met for their ritual strip mall lunch, but this time they were waiting for Kim D., who wanted to talk about her issues with Danielle. Despite Teresa’s doubts, and Kim D.’s embarrassing drunken performance at her housewarming party, Teresa was still giving this woman a chance. Thankful to be out of the clutches of Danielle and freed from social oblivion, Kim D. invited the ladies to a fashion show and ladies night out for her boutique Posche.

Meanwhile, despite being refreshed after breast augmentation number four, Danielle was even more tightly wound and much more easily provoked. She snapped at a sales clerk at Posche who didn’t drop everything (including a phone call) to assure her she’d tell Kim D. she stopped by. With her best “Don’t you know who I am?” performance followed by a dramatic exit, Danielle officially auditioned for the part of the town crazy. If she and Kim D. are going to maintain a friendship, Danielle can’t shop at Posche anymore (sorry Kim). Then, channeling Kelly Bensimon through the power of gummy bears, she gave the scariest yet funniest delivery in Housewives history: “And believe me, she will miss my money…ha ha!” Oh Danielle, Danielle, Danielle.

Kim D. continued to apologize, which just further releases the crazy. Seriously, hasn’t the woman heard enough about Danielle from her drinking buddy Kim G.? Or watched the first season, or any season of Real Housewives? Apparently not (and we can only do so much to educate here at PopWatch), so she invited Danielle to the Posche fashion event at — surprise! Not the Brownstone! — North Jersey Country Club, under the pretense that things would go smoothly. “There’s not going to be any craziness, this is a country club” she assured her. But manners and social standing be damned, Danielle was possessed and ready to bring all the crazy she has inside the fancy doors, because nobody puts her in the corner (or something like that).

Ashley walked into Posche wearing a Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo jersey, which if you will allow me to be nit-picky, is not appropriate in North Jersey (Giants!). Considering Ashley still isn’t doing anything besides dating Derek and making her Mom’s life more difficult, modeling seemed like a pretty good choice (it’s like probably not that hard?). From that moment she was thrown into a sea of sequins leggings and false eyelashes never to be heard from again…until she hit the runway at the Posche, finally meeting Kim D.’s approval. “It takes a long time to put you together but when you put you together you look gorgeous!”Ashley was lovingly told.

This obvious plot set up by the Bravo producers was made even worse by the ladies’ poor defense of why they would possibly be going to an event that shares the same air with Danielle Staub. Jacqueline had to go to the Posche event to be there for Ashley (which will increase the chances of a post-Facebook threats run in with Danielle),  and Kim D. had to invite Danielle because otherwise  her store would fold. “She shops at her store. Of course she’s gonna invite her!” Jacqueline said. Really? Because the cashier at Duane Reade and I are on a first name basis but we’ve never gone out for drinks.

Poor Kim G. obviously drew the short straw leading up to the Posche event, so she had to pick up Danielle and sit through an entire evening of her company, With such a daunting evening ahead of her, Kim G. decided to get crazy and not wear pants! Happy to be staying in Wayne for the night, Danielle was ready to pee all over North Jersey Country Club, to make sure everyone knows it’s her turf. The ladies were escorted by Dennis (the third in Danielle’s collection of burly ex-cons) and Danielle was feeling confident since she knew ehhhvvvryybody inside, until she was seated across from the opposing team. The night went on with the women trading whispers and prolonged stares at one another. Danielle pulled out all of her tricks, like refusing to clap during the runway show and utilizing her Paris Hilton cell phone guise (although doesn’t telling someone you’re pretending to be on the phone defeat the purpose of pretending to be on the phone? Again, oooh Danielle.).

“It was like high school, the cool girls on one side, the mean girls on the other side…but we were definitely the cool girls.” There you go Teresa, take the high road. And (again,) the saga continues. This was the point where I started injecting vodka into my veins to numb the madness.

But before things were completely pain-free, there was Ashley, and her small, demeaning wave towards Danielle, which triggered the memories of all those terroristic Facebook threats. “Good job Jacqueline, great parenting. Awesome,” Danielle said. (She did have a point, because moments later a loopy Jacqueline was off looking for her lost 18-year-old). Ashley needs to find something to do so she can stay out of her mother’s high school drama, and learn to take responsibilities for her actions. There’s no consequences for her and she’s been adding fuel to the Danielle situation all season.

Caroline stayed away from the country club to deal with her feelings of loneliness at home.  Having to adjust to being an empty nester (although she isn’t really, because all three kids still live at home) Caroline asked Albert to retire so she wouldn’t be lonely anymore. It’s natural for a mother to feel sad as their children grow up, but why doesn’t she do something to get out of the house? Join a book club, take up spinning, find a cooking class, do SOMETHING, anything to get your mind off of things. And preferably get out of Franklin Lakes, so you’ll increase your chances at meeting someone who doesn’t know you, Danielle, the Brownstone, and could possibly be an actual friend.  But then again, you’re on a reality show, so who knows if that’s possible.

What did you think of last night’s Real Housewives, PopWatchers? Are you tired of this season? Are you looking forward to the big fight? Should Caroline want Albert to retire?

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