Alright Andy Cohen, it’s time to let this horse go to pasture. Determined to wrest every last bit of ridiculousness from an outrageous season, Bravo patched together an hour of mildly amusing, fine-for-folding-laundry or, in my case, drinking-two-glasses-of-water-after-epic-book-club, throwaway TV. Nothing much happened, and I could’ve lived without that vomitous scene of Ramona’s overactive armpit getting pumped full of Certain Dri. Anyone else think Sonja’s face takes on a Barbra Streisnd twist when she’s trying not to retch?
Let’s see, what else: Andy has nicknamed Ramona the Ramona-coaster, which I will from here on out call her. Sonja got a juice box. Simon’s eccentric fashion sense took a beating, this time by Bethenny. We got to see the practice session that led up to Ramona’s runaway robot walk during Brooklyn fashion week. Sonja called Kelly a big labrador, which seems dismissive of a lab’s charms. Sonja wore crotchless super Spanx—no amount of lipo pain is going to keep her from her Max.
In the most obnoxious scene, Jill and Bobby went shopping. She bemoaned the fact that she always gets shafted in the present department because their anniversary and her birthday and the holidays fall so close within one another. So she ickily cajoled her Bobby to buy her an expensive watch and an ugly necklace in exchange for the possibility of nookie. Gross.
Kelly let her freak flag fly on the elliptical, jabbering to an oblivious Ramona in one long nonsense rant that ranged from Planet Kelly to evil Hades to Eric Ripert catering her weekend to how it’s not about being fit, it’s about having fun, who wears short shorts? If I’m right placing this moment in the linear progression of Scary Island events, this scene occurred after she told the women to use a complaint box and before she lost her shiz at dinner.
We were left with one last scene from the reunion, when Andy asked La Contessa to weigh in on the etiquette of speaker phone. Countess agreed that she and Jill should have better announced themselves as present during tense phone calls with Bethenny and Ramona. The subject was quickly dropped. Snooze.
Alright New York, the season that never sleeps. Go to bed.
What did you all think? Should the lost footage have stayed lost? What should Jill’s new hobby be? Were you alarmed by the undulations of Kelly’s muscular tummy?