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'My Life on the D List' recap: Old Miss Imperfect

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Image Credit: Jaimie Trueblood/BravoOn last night’s My Life on the D List, Kathy Griffin judged a toddlers’ beauty pageant with her mom (of course), then put on her own toddler beauty pageant for her mom and a completely bewildered audience. “It’s about making a connection with people,” Kathy summed up looking like the Red Queen, cupcake hands all wrong (pictured). The whole thing was very Sports Kids Moms and Dads, Toddlers & Tiaras, Little Miss Perfect, and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Yo Gabba Gabba!, and Night of the Living Dead all wrapped up in a filled-to-bursting tank of disgusting kiddie spray tan. It was exactly like that. Oh, and Kathy’s remodeling her “house,” which is now a war zone. She has no plan, just demolition, stacks of wood, a sad pipe where her bar used to be, and a single glass of white w(h)ine for her mother.

The entire episode was surreal. I only tuned in because Liza Minnelli was on last week; I don’t usually watch this show at full attention, but now I know I’ll never stop. I used to assume I’d want to violently shake Kathy Griffin by the shoulders the whole time, and that’s still true, but I’d want to do that because I love her so much, if that makes sense. Also, I want to get drunk with her mom.

Favorite KG quote of the night: “It was really fun judging the infants. You could judge on character, poise, and if they s— themselves while being held by their gay father.” More gems after the jump.

To a stage baby’s mother: “You’re gonna wait ’til she’s one?!?!?!” (to get her into acting classes)

“I would stay away from Charlie Sheen, but I think Jon Cryer is fine.” (while advising toddlers to start dating celebrities early in their careers)

“I love the swimsuit competition. It’s just very fun and sunny, and it’s great to see such small strippers.”

“It’s important that i get a spray tan. i need to have the abs of a 7-year-old girl.”

“I have an amazingly hot bikini bod.”

“Of course my mother’s judging me. She’s been doing that my whole life.”

Kathy, regarding her house: “This place is just gonna be a big old pile of dust…like the inside of my vagina after a long weekend.” Gross, but reminiscent of Lucille’s “musty old claptrap” from Arrested Development. The…cabin! Yes.

Ken, Kathy’s doomed decorator who had assumed she had A-List money: “We will make [the new house] happen in six weeks. Well, pardon me, eight weeks. [Pause.] Twelve weeks. Pardon me.” You’re excused.

I also loved when Ken — who, according to Kathy, “wants to f—” her house, described his plan. “It’s all about Kathy,” he said, and I thought he was being so sarcastic because isn’t it always about Kathy? But then he continued: “It’s about me channeling Kathy.” I need to learn to expect certain things from an L.A. decorator who refers to himself in the third person.

Sidenote: My parents have one of the paintings in Kathy’s rental house (“So of course I rented this house from a couple of gays I know”), the general design of which she has deemed “bric-a-brac and gay.” Does that make my parents bric-a-brac or gay? Probably both. Of course I’m judging my parents. I’ve been doing that my whole life!

What was your favorite over-the-top D List moment last night?

Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett