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'True Beauty' recap: Anyone for crabs?

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First of all, I’m sorry. I could just spend this whole post listing all the ways in which the image to your right is wrong, and how I should be fired for making you look at it when all you wanted to do was read PopWatch, a website usually not infested with crabs (we have our good days and our bad, y’all), and for making sure Michael Slezak was cc’ed on my photo request even though he totally didn’t need to be. But instead I think I’ll just recap last night’s episode of ABC’s True Beauty. I’ve been thinking about it, and this is definitely what I should be doing with my life. I used to have better career aspirations. I used to wanna be a novelist! I coulda been “The Face of Vegas!” But this is it for me, dawg. Pass the mallet.

This week’s True Beauty involved two challenges. For the Inner Beauty challenge, the “Beauties” were supposed to help Emily, a fake assistant who had fake-lost her engagement ring, dig through some goopy trash to find that hidden gem. Amy, Erika, and Taylor dug through trash for this faker baker. Michelle looked everywhere, too. “She was on her hands and knees…she really cared,” said judge Carson Kressley. Liz sat there and said, “I feel sorry for you”; Craig said, “Good luck. I hope you find it. That sucks”; David yawned and walked out of the room. “I didn’t fly out here to help a girl find her ring and lose the show,” explained everyone’s least favorite DJ/Astrologer, who generally seems like he’s just taken a cinder block to the head. Not the way he looks (he’s a Beauty after all), just his perception of the way the world works. Oh, god, the whole thing was so stupid.

The real challenge — the one involving Outer Beauty — was to create an pictorial campaign for an all-you-can-eat Vegas buffet featuring a specific food or, in some cases, up to half a food group. It made sense that Craig, who slathers cocoa butter all over his body on the reg and calls it “an island secret,” would have to pose with seafood. “I have crabs…not literally,” he explained after lifting up the covered-dish dome of doom. But he was wrong; Craig literally did have crabs. He had to pose with crabs, and he LOVED it. They poured grease all over him and at one point I think there were extra little pats of butter on his nipples.

Meanwhile, Michelle did something generically attractive with lettuce leaves, Taylor giggled a lot during his sushi shoot, Liz looked too covered-up having smushed her torso into a pile of dry desserts, even though she was “put on this earth to look beautiful,” and Erika won the challenge by writhing around in puddles of goo and having big breasts (her food was ice cream). David joined Craig in the bottom two, because David unfortunately insisted on “holding the banana like it’s my junk” during his fruit shoot. Really dude? You want the word PEELING in huge letters over your crotch? Okay.

David thought peeling a banana symbolized Las Vegas and that if the judges didn’t like it, “that’s like going to Disneyland and not having fun.” The DJ/Astrologer also insisted he was in the competition for much better reasons than stupid Craig. “He’s not pumped like me,” David said. “I want it way more than he does. Way more.” Want what??? I love the conceit in pointless reality TV that by merely associating oneself with desire and drive to go far in the competition, one is essentially writing one’s own ticket to victory — in this case $100,000 and “a featured photo in People magazine.”

To David: “We didn’t find it appealing…pun intended,” explained Carson, who knows full well that none of the contestants know the word ‘pun.’ Carson, an orange vision in a two-toned sweater vest that perhaps intentionally made him look like a waiter, had also toyed with difficult language earlier in the episode when he told fellow judges Vanessa Minnillo and Beth Ostrosky Stern that he was about to go into the other room to tell the contestants the “challenge du jour.” (It was the challenge of the day. That sounds good; they’ll have that.) Carson’s delivery was much more on everyone else’s level when he and Beth had been standing in front of the contestants for at least a minute and suddenly Carson set up a potential drumroll moment for a huge reveal. “Your judges for this challenge will be……………..” Oh, wow! New people? Which dregs found limping around the streets of Vegas had they managed to rustle up for a free meal of crabs topped with creamy banana slices? “…..Beth and me,” Carson finished. Aggggghhhhh!

In the end, even though Craig is a horrible person for accepting a free vest from a salesgirl who really wanted to give it to him, David went home. Another clown down. Send in the janitors!

Who else infected themselves with True Beauty this week?

Read more: Last week’s ‘True Beauty’ ostensibly teaches us about cacophony

Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

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