Let us pause, Bachelorette fans, and appreciate the gravity of the moment we have just witnessed: The least. Dramatic. Rose ceremony. Ever. But, hey, we did get a pretty dramatic — if totally irrelevant, I am convinced, to Ali’s overall journey — two-on-one date. What I’m saying is: Thank goodness for Kasey’s tattoo, or Iceland would’ve been pretty lame, even with its historic volcano erupting.
We began our time in the land of frozen water with the guys trying their best (at the producers’ urging, no doubt) to convince us of the impending excitement of their trip. “Not in a million years did I think I would come to Iceland to find love,” said one. “I never thought I’d come to Iceland to find love,” said another. “I think Iceland will be the right place to show her my tattoo,” said a third. (Guess who.) Then we learned the two twists of the week: There would be a sudden-death-type two-on-one date, from which only one man would emerge with a rose; and all the guys would have to write Ali poems to compete for the one-on-one date. God help us.
The full recap with all the specifics, including some detailed literary analysis of the men’s poetic creations, will be up soon [update: here it is!], but if you’ve already watched and want to weigh in on their use of imagery and metaphor — or their revelation of tattoos and wearing of sweaters and riding of horses — read on after the jump for more. [SPOILER ALERT: Read on only if you’ve already watched Monday’s Bachelorette. Seriously.]
Kirk one the poetry-off with a line about Ali’s “root-beer eyes” — or, perhaps more importantly, by walking up and looking into said root-beer eyes while reciting said poetry. This won him the chance to wear matching sweaters with Ali while eating at a lodgy kinda place. There, he told her about his struggles with asbestos poisoning (a first for this show, I have to think) and things took a turn for the decidedly sincere. He told her about how this entire scary experience in his early 20s led him to appreciate life more and want to find “someone who can teach me.” We liked Kirk a lot more than we expected, and Ali followed suit — he got a rose
The group date was kinda snoozy despite all the horse-riding and cave-exploring and steambath-swimming. Ty was all Southern and manly with the horses, so he got a rose; Chris was all studly in the cave, so he got a kiss; and Frank was pretty M.I.A. the whole time, so he got a lecture from Ali about asserting himself more on group dates. He vowed to never go unnoticed again.
Justin and Kasey were left to battle it out on the sudden-death, only-one-leaves-with-a-rose threesome date, an unfair match from the start. Justin took his natural villain role at full force now: “If Kasey’s gonna get the rose today, he’s gonna earn it,” he snarled. “This definitely feels just like a wrestling match where you pin your opponent, you get the 1-2-3, the bell rings, and you hold your championship belt — in this case, Ali — up in the air.” Charming. Nonetheless, he brought just enough pleasantness — and, let’s face it, basic non-tattoo-getting sanity — to his interactions with Ali to get the rose. Kasey was left to reveal his tattoo, finally, to Ali — and get left on a glacier in Iceland for it. Granted, Ali took it pretty well — “Thank you, Kasey, for being you,” she told him. But, alas, also: “I think you’re so ready to meet someone, and I don’t want to hold you back here. I want you to go find her.”
In the end, Chris N. also left us for good. Who, you ask? We have no real answer for that. My full recap will be up soon, but let us know what you think now. Who’s the current favorite: Did Ty and/or Kirk pull into frontrunner status? Was Ali right to choose Justin over Kasey? Were you deeply upset by the departure of Chris N. because you saw something in him that the rest of us missed?