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Five-word speeches at this year's Webby Awards: Could you have done better?

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At last night’s Webby Awards, where a five-word acceptance speech is the only barrier between the winners and a room full of scoffs and harsh judgment from peers, the offerings turned out to be a tad disappointing. Last year, Jimmy Fallon’s “Thank God, Conan got promoted” was honest, self-deprecating, and personal, without being an inside joke that no one could understand. In other words, everything a five-worder should be.

This year, however, contained a number of offenses. First, you had the cheaters (BBDO – “Please visit bbdoacceptancespeech.com”), followed by the overtly commercial (NYTimes.com – “All the news that’s fit.”), and worst of all, the downright boring (BBC News’ “About to become even better.”). Groan.

Others chose to use their five words for a cause. OK Go went with “Fight for net neutrality now,” while Isabella Rossellini, accepting for Green Porno, took on the oil spill (and if you have that kind of filthy mind, a nod to her series): “I say, plug the hole.” Alrighty then! If I were giving out awards for last night’s speeches, here’s how it’d go down:

WTF AWARD

Buzz Aldrin – “Humanity. Colonization. Phobos. Monolith. Mars!”

BEST USE OF NOSTALGIA

Pandora – “Didn’t kill the radio star”

THEY’RE PROBABLY TOTALLY SINCERE AWARD

CNET.com – “Found iPhone 5? Call CNet.”

HE’S POSSIBLY NOT TOTALLY SINCERE? AWARD

Selleckwaterfallsandwich.tumblr.com – “Mom, I’m not on drugs.”

BURRRRRN AWARD

Arianna Huffington – “Goldman Sachs shorted my speech.”

BEST (AND ONLY) USE OF THE WORDS “DANCE PARTY”

Amy Poehler – “Me. You. P.S.22. Dance party.”

BEST CROWD PLEASER (tie)

Robert Scheer from Truthdig.com – “Wall Street: What f—king thieves.”

Roger Ebert – “Veni, vidi, vici.” (Yes, he’s so awesome, he only needed three words.)

SPECIAL AWARD – THE BUZZY

Jake and Amir from collegehumor.com – “Holy f—ing s–t, Buzz Aldrin!”

There’s so much more. But you can check out the full list of winners at the Webby Awards site.  Plus, all the speeches should be up on the award show’s YouTube page later today.

What about you, PopWatchers? Did you like any of the speeches? And what’s your best five-word acceptance speech? I’ll start: “Who knew I’d be awesome?” I’ll let Webby host B.J. Novak go second (because I posed this very question to him on the red carpet): “‘Thank you. Thank you. Thank.’ I’d just run out of words.”

Your turn.

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Caption this: Cheezburgers on the red carpet

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