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Dan Snierson's Hit List

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1. Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley replaces Megan Fox in Transformers 3
A team of scientists has simulated this substitution of one super-hottie for another in a laboratory environment and assured Michael Bay that thermodynamic equilibrium could be achieved.

2. Chace Crawford arrested in Texas for marijuana possession
Spotted: one Gossip Girl actor gone to pot. XO-Uh-Oh.

3. James Bond’s Aston Martin could fetch up to $5 million at auction
Warning: Driver’s seat will eject if you miss a payment.

4. Religious leaders protest JC, Comedy Central’s animated pilot about Jesus Christ
”Once we find out who greenlit this blasphemous show,” they said, ”we’re going to nail him to the cross.”

5. Clark Gable’s tomb vandalized by lipstick kiss
Security guards at Forest Lawn have tried to locate the kisser, but she seems to have — I know there’s a phrase for this — vanished into thin air? Disappeared with the breeze? A little help here…

6. Laura Ling gives baby same middle name as Bill Clinton’s
She was toying with ThanksForSavingMommy’sAssInNorthKorea, but Jefferson sounded slightly classier.

7. FCC fines Fox for American Dad horse sex joke
The decision was spurred by the results of a recent Gallop poll.

8. Todd Bridges claims to have Gary Coleman’s secret will
For old times’ sake, Willis, do tell us what you are talking about.

9. McDonald’s recalls 12 million Shrek drinking glasses due to health risk
What are you laughing at, McRib? You’re next.

10. Charlie Sheen may wind up coaching theater students on work release while serving jail time in Aspen
And not only would he be permitted two and a half massages per day, he’d be allowed to wear shorts and bowling shirts over his prison jumpsuit. His agent is that good.

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