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'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: Get a life

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Image Credit: BravoGood grief, why won’t these Housewives leave me alone? They’re always after me, turning on my television set. They won’t stop bothering me and they never give me a moment of rest so I can try to better educate myself by reading a book or watching a smart person show like Breaking Bad. You know what Housewives? I have a life. No, I have a great life! So just back off Housewives, stop obsessing over me, stop writing 2000 words a week about me, stop watching weekend marathons of me.

I wish the rest of this delusional recap wasn’t about Danielle, but alas there are only so many pictures I can paint of Gia’s party clown voice coach or the disdain a waiting room full of Christian Slater fans felt for Teresa. Instead there were scenes of Danielle alone in her kitchen with her trapped animals, willing her green phone to ring dammit while lamenting over the Manzo family’s supposed obsession with her. With every episode, the woman grows ropier, more sinister, and ever more tedious. She’s even exhausting poor Kim G., who was dying to trash the woman over pedicures. “So there I’m sitting there at the Chateau, trying to enjoy a nice pedicure,” says Jacqueline. Welcome to the world of Jersey nouveau riche, ya’ll!

“I’m so drained, I’m exhausted,” moans Kim G. Later the woman—what is off about her? is it medication? is it an affection for afternoon cocktails? a simple case of the dum dums?—confronted Danielle while the two were getting their hair done for Danielle’s first adult birthday party. (Who else here worried this was in regards to theme not age?) It’s just that Kim G. isn’t so sure about Danny, see, and maybe next time the man could not call her son’s best friend a faggot? Sip, sip. “I am a gay advocate!” Danielle said with ridiculous self-importance. “I was extremely offended but I was being protected that moment in the lion’s den.”

Danielle thinks Kim G. better watch her allegiance-ceys. If she doesn’t she might find Danny and his wooden sidekick John lurking in her hydrangea bushes. Kim continued to disappoint when she made Danielle shed crocodile tears at her party. “Do you have any idea how much satisfaction they’re going to get out of knowing that on my birthday this is what’s happening,” she demanded Kim and Kim’s mother-in-law. (Could that possibly be right?) Kim dared suggest that perhaps Danielle was overly obsessed with the Manzo women. “Oh no, no, no, don’t go there,” Danielle warned, as she filed away another one of Kim G.’s mini-betrayals. “I learned a lot about Kim that night that surprised me,” she said. That she’s sane, perhaps? Oops, spoke too soon. There’s Kim G. in scenes for next week’s episode in a little pair of stripper shorts.

Is it any wonder that Danielle’s nerves are frayed to the point that she needs Danny on call at all times? There are ambushes being set up and down Franklin Lakes, people. There is a moody teenager writing mean-spirited status updates about her on Facebook. “Is Bye a threat?” she asks Kim G. after reading one of Ashley’s text messages. Apparently Ashley set up an ‘I Hate Danielle’ page, or rather an ‘I Hate Danielle’s Dog’ page. Haven’t those dogs suffered enough?! Either way Danielle finds the texting war—”you have fat arms!” “yeah, well you have a square tit!”—more “terroristic” than sophomoric. She thinks Ashley is the second coming of the KKK , a comparison that makes me want to GAG.

Danielle nearly jumped up and yelled Squee! when Dina called to invite her for a drink. (To a restaurant named Chakra, of course. Oh Dina, you goof.) Danny thinks this could be a growing moment, an opportunity to forgive. The suit brings out the sensitivity in the man I suppose. “Will you guys be around, just in case?” Danielle worries. Just in case of what, dear? Just in case one of Dina’s cats pops out of her crocodile bag and lets out a terrifying hiss? Just in case Zen Jen appears from the ladies room and blows a plume of sage smoke in your face? How on Earth is it useful to have Danny out in the parking lot sitting in his sedan playing Tetris on his cellphone? You are a crazy bitch, lady, and you just keep going crazier.

I do appreciate the amped up drama of the scenes of Dina getting ready and the dramatic lighting on the car ride over. Of course it is Dina who must be leaving Housewives next week so I savored these last few glimpses of her in all her severe glory. Danielle looked so hopeful when Dina first sat down on the velvet couch. She’d already picked out all their cocktails and appetizers and a dessert with two spoons. But Dina quickly told her they wouldn’t be there for long. Dina perhaps said one too many times that the evening was about her and her alone. The fear of toxicity has spread from New York to Jersey and Dina just cannot have any in her life. That means Danielle has got to get gone. “I don’t know why you and any of the ladies think you’re better than me,” Danielle said in her first of many non sequiturs. She tried to weeble wobble Dina’s poise by bringing up all the dirt Jacqueline used to sling against her. Dina shushed her. Danielle will not be shushed. Danielle promised that the next time someone shushed her she would speak louder. Let’s all back away slowly, careful not to put our fingers to our lips, and just hope that Danielle will eventually disappear into the night, never to be heard from again. No Danielle, that’s not a threat. It’s just a plea to the Bravo producers to find a new story line.

Next week: Sigh, it’s stripper class and Danny’s got a one dollar bill he wants to wave at the ladies.

Hit me PopWatchers. Is this season working your last nerve? Is it time to ditch Jersey for good? Is anyone else perplexed by the notion of a “square tit?” Is Danny for real?

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