We are all now on the down slope of the season, and my excitement for the reunion (taped this week!) is reaching a fever pitch. But first, let’s together slog through a so so episode of predictable shenanigans. Here’s the short order of what went down: Alex broke out in hives (duh), Ramona choked, Sonja’s dress flew open, Jill face-planted on the ice, Kelly continued to rewrite history in her loopity doop script. Oh, and LuAnn redeemed herself with some thoroughly reasonable behavior and Jen Gilbert continued to hang around without contributing much to the conversation. Why is she a Housewife again?
The episode kicked off around the island breakfast table, where Sonja, Ramona, Alex and Bethenny rejoiced that Kelly had split for the airport. Everyone agrees that the woman is off her rocker and thus mustn’t be messed with anymore. (Reunion episode, I live for you!) “It’s not a fair fight,” Bethenny says in a late-breaking realization.
I’m all for laying off the crazy. Kelly has cauliflower brain so it’s mean-spirited to get in the ring with her. But what drives me nuts about the woman is her shameful lack of accountability, which I know, I know, usually goes hand in hand with the cuckoos. In Bravo blog after blog, Kelly weirdly calls for an end to “systematic bullying” and repitches her fit as less breakdown than “breakthrough.” It’s the other women’s fault. Her mistake was a failure to “trust her instincts.” Their abuse was something she shouldn’t have had to “endure.” “Everyone deserves to be loved.” What is this woman smoking? In last night’s episode, Jill gathered her troops back in New York. She wanted to wash down their pizza lunch with some good dirt. Kelly tried telling them that the whole mess started because Bethenny mocked her dreams of true love. Come again? And so she called Bethenny a ho-bag. (LuAnn came dangerously close to making me like her again when she wondered “Who uses the word ho-bag these days?”) I mean, it is just so annoying to Kelly that Bethenny calls herself a cook (chef!) when she doesn’t have any friends who’ve ever tasted her food. (Give it to her, LuAnn! “Friends of mine in South Hampton had a dinner party and she catered it.”) Kelly wasn’t getting the reception of sympathy she was hoping for with her tales of jellybean woe so she switched gears. She claimed that Bethenny told her “I went out of my way to have a smear campaign against you.” Oh Kelly. Do you see that man in a black t-shirt holding that big metal thing on his shoulder? What about the fuzzy thing hovering above your head that kind of looks like a friendly stuffed animal? Those things record conversations. We know Bethenny didn’t say that. So how come you don’t?
Later Sonja threw a party for a young artist she may or may not have let tie her up to her bedpost. LuAnn shows up and strangely she and Bethenny have a little kiss kiss moment. Anyways, LuAnn wants scoop so they head upstairs to give their version of what went down in St. John. The women tell her that Kelly is crazier than a bed bug and that it was really kind of sad and maybe not a fun subject of gossip. I thought they seemed pretty sincere and restrained. Delightful Sonja cut the gab session short because “I have to go downstairs and introduce an opera singer.” God I love this woman. Anyways, the gentleman’s version of Figaro might have given Sonja a soundgasm.
At Jill’s dumb ice skating party, she told her sensible sister that she missed Bethenny. Lisa quoted their cousin Debbie. “People do what they want to do and they don’t do what they don’t want to do.” Debbie probably wishes she’d been given the chance to amp up her words of wisdom before being quoted on national TV. Anyways, Jill just wishes the whole “I’m done, we’re done” fight had never happened. All this beautiful stuff is happening in Bethenny’s life and she’s being shut out of the fun. Jill, hear me now: This is the problem! You’re not expressing a desire to be back in Bethenny’s life so you can cheer on her successes and support her hard times. You make it sound like you just want a piece of the drama/screen time/media attention.
Ramona shows up to the party looking like a slightly disheveled snow angel. Kelly attacks! She wants Ramona to know that she felt terribly unsupported on the trip. “I think you’re allergic to alcohol?” Ramona counters. The only things she is allergic to are freaks and predators! Somehow Ramona retains her cool and gently backs Kelly off with the old “I’m sorry you feel that way” line. Next she has to deal with Jill, who last told her that their friendship was over after Ramona picked Alex’s rashy neck over her nasally “Surprise!” Ramona sweetly pleads with Jill to hear her out. “Do you hear me talking?” Jill said kind of sadly. “I’m finally listening.” Oh Jill, I hope you took that spirit of mea culpa with you to the reunion show. I hope that you expressed some earnest, unqualified regret for your poor behavior, and that you understand why Bethenny, to say nothing of Housewives fans in general, are suspicious of your intentions. You can make this right again!
P.S. I’m with Bethenny. I adore Bobby. No matter how in the wrong his wife is, that man has Jill’s back. When Bethenny told him that she didn’t want him caught in the middle, Bobby rightly refused the position. “I wouldn’t be in the middle,” he said. You’re a good man, sir.
Next week: Jill and Bethenny go to lunch and cry.
Weigh in PopWatchers. Is it wrong that I hooted over (and then rewatched three times) the scene of Ramona choking and then Sonja talking about how she’s given her poodle the Heimlich? Does Jill genuinely want to be Bethenny’s friend again or does she just not want to be left out of the woman’s storyline? What was Alex’s dorkiest moment of the night: Trembling with her feet in a pedicure pool or talking about the importance of the ocean’s motion?