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Paula Abdul's 'Idol' finale speech to Simon Cowell: Pure poetry.

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Image Credit: Vince Bucci/FoxHey, Paula. Paula, Paula, Paula. Last night, during your goodbye speech to Simon Cowell, you showed the world why season 9 of American Idol has been so lacking. Why the series this season hasn’t boasted the same spark and awe of years past. Simply, it’s because your mere absence has sucked the joy out of the entire show.

And if you think I’m joking, you’d be wrong. I have been yearning for Paula’s infectious presence all season long — Idol is not Idol without a good dose of battiness. So what better way to celebrate her appearance on the show last night than to revive The Poetry of Paula Abdul one last time? After the jump, read Paula’s final Idol-centric poetic masterpiece, which she performed on last night’s finale. Really, it’s like reading Walt Whitman reincarnated!

That’s So Paula.

(Alt. Title: Where’s the Hook, Please?*)

Simon, I’ll get to you

in a minute.

Thank you everyone. Thank you so much.

It’s fantastic being here tonight.

I really miss everyone. Hello judges!

Randy.

You look charming tonight. It’s great seeing you.

Hi Ellen.

I love you.

Wanna dance?

Kara, you look beautiful tonight.

Where’s Ryan?

Ryan,

wherever you are? You’re so —

you’re so cute, and I want my lip gloss

back!

And Simon.

That’s all I’ve got.

Goodnight, everybody.

Okay. Who are we

kidding?

Let’s face it: The only reason they wanted me back here

tonight

was so I could tell all of you the

real reason

why I left.

But I don’t think that’s what

tonight

is all about, is it?

Although

I will tell you this:

There’s a baby backstage with Simon’s haircut, and

sweetheart,

it’s your turn to feed him.

Look

Simon,

my darling

Simon,

I’ve worked with a lot of people over the years.

Hot cheerleaders,

big movie stars,

world-famous recording artists.

Even a

cartoon cat.

But if I’m being truly honest,

none of them holds

a candle

to you,

my friend.

Our relationship on the show,

and I call it a partnership, really,

Simon,

I do call it a partnership,

even though I know you’d like think of it as more of a

teacher-student thing,

right?

No,

it’s a partnership.

But it’s brought me

immeasurable joy.

I’ve loved all

the fun

we’ve had together.

I’ve loved all

the laughter

we’ve shared together.

No,

American Idol is not going to be

the same

without you.

But as only I can tell you,

it will

go

on.

*Alternate title created by Michael Slezak. I, for one, would never give Paula the hook — especially if it meant I didn’t have to listen to Lacey Brown butcher “Beautiful.”