Hey, Paula. Paula, Paula, Paula. Last night, during your goodbye speech to Simon Cowell, you showed the world why season 9 of American Idol has been so lacking. Why the series this season hasn’t boasted the same spark and awe of years past. Simply, it’s because your mere absence has sucked the joy out of the entire show.
And if you think I’m joking, you’d be wrong. I have been yearning for Paula’s infectious presence all season long — Idol is not Idol without a good dose of battiness. So what better way to celebrate her appearance on the show last night than to revive The Poetry of Paula Abdul one last time? After the jump, read Paula’s final Idol-centric poetic masterpiece, which she performed on last night’s finale. Really, it’s like reading Walt Whitman reincarnated!
That’s So Paula.
(Alt. Title: Where’s the Hook, Please?*)
Simon, I’ll get to you
in a minute.
Thank you everyone. Thank you so much.
It’s fantastic being here tonight.
I really miss everyone. Hello judges!
You look charming tonight. It’s great seeing you.
I love you.
Kara, you look beautiful tonight.
wherever you are? You’re so —
you’re so cute, and I want my lip gloss
That’s all I’ve got.
Okay. Who are we
Let’s face it: The only reason they wanted me back here
was so I could tell all of you the
why I left.
But I don’t think that’s what
is all about, is it?
I will tell you this:
There’s a baby backstage with Simon’s haircut, and
it’s your turn to feed him.
I’ve worked with a lot of people over the years.
big movie stars,
world-famous recording artists.
But if I’m being truly honest,
none of them holds
Our relationship on the show,
and I call it a partnership, really,
I do call it a partnership,
even though I know you’d like think of it as more of a
it’s a partnership.
But it’s brought me
I’ve loved all
we’ve had together.
I’ve loved all
we’ve shared together.
American Idol is not going to be
But as only I can tell you,
*Alternate title created by Michael Slezak. I, for one, would never give Paula the hook — especially if it meant I didn’t have to listen to Lacey Brown butcher “Beautiful.”