Oh Danielle, you crazy bitch.
I was tempted to let that one sentence stand alone as the recap for last night’s premiere. During the hiatus, the woman’s face got tighter, her arms got more ropey, her daughters grew taller and ever more chagrined, and she hung a rosary from her rear view. Danielle claims she is a woman who been done “grave wrong,” and that she will pray for her attackers because they need all the prayers they can get. In other words, she will maniacally shove their faces in the mud but she will also offer them a nice sudsy washcloth.
Apparently “Garbage” is the new “Countless” when it comes to grievous insults. Danielle had worked herself up into a fever pitch over Caroline’s slight during the reunion show, leaving her in a ravaged state that only God can mend. Poor Father Richards, a gentle man perhaps unused to getting hollered at in his rectory. “I’m not a whore or a prostitute or a cokehead!” Danielle hissed. The good man suggested perhaps she try to move on with her life and Danielle’s face tried its best to make a quizzical expression. But Father, if she moves on, she’ll lose her reality TV story line. Surely that is not a part of God’s plan.
Cut to Dina and her Buddha statue and her terrifying cats. I should say that Dina is quickly moving up to No. 1 in my ranking of Housewives. I love this woman and her calm haughtiness. I love that she will off a vase that looks at her with negativity. Although I do worry that the woman is lonely. All those solo shots of her puttering around her house turning off lights made me kinda sad. If Dina is taking the high road by slowly backing away from Danielle’s tornado of doom, saying she’ll send the woman a make-nice blurp of a text massage every now and then just to keep the crazy at bay, Danielle refuses to let go of the great rift. When she went for a pedicure, she couldn’t resist sneering that this humble nail salon is where she met Dina all those years ago. “She stocked shelves and was doing nails,” sneered Danielle. “But I’m not here to judge!” Throughout the episode Danielle repeated this idea that she’s not here to judge, and “Just sayin’!” and “Not that I could care less!”
It’s strange to me that Danielle took such a nasty dig at the fact that Dina used to have to work for a living, as Danielle said that she herself is having a hard time paying the bills. “I know how to make things stretch,” said Danielle, before we cut to a shopping trip, and she asked the equally crazy boutique owner Kim to put everything on her tab. Kim, who appears to share a plastic surgeon with Danielle, seemed to be auditioning for Bravo for a sixth slot on the cast. At first, she seemed to be Danielle’s new best friend. “We’re Sicilian bitches,” she said, her First Wives Club lips trying to push out the words. “We don’t have to worry about it. You don’t worry about me. Don’t. I’ll worry about you. Don’t worry about it.” Well said, Kim.
So what a surprise when we get to Caroline’s fund-raising party for the Franklin Lakes Sheriff — $1,000 a plate, not that Jacqueline gives a fig where the money is going. Kim got her drink on at the party, as did her ruddy-faced, slurring, “clear-headed” boyfriend. The soused couple scooted over to the Manzo table and proceeded to trash Danielle. “I’m not her friend,” said the Sicilian bitch. “I’m not going to say she doesn’t come into the store…” Teresa very cleverly deduced that Danielle put the “cont” in “contradiction,” if you know what she means. I have an idea of what she means, and I’ll blame this one on poor spelling skills. Stick to the red sauce, dear.
Kudos to Dina for her stone-faced silence, as she sat there expressionless, castigating Kim’s hypocrisy with her enormous eyes and her hands clasped under her stoic chin. Meanwhile, Danielle announced to her sad girls that Mama is just going to take them on “a little ride.” Oh for the love of … So she took those tragic innocents on a loopity-loop tour of New Jersey’s highways, muttering to herself about how much she could care less that she wasn’t invited to Caroline’s party. On this manic tour of Crazy Town, where her daughters sat tragically in the backseat, begging their mother to turn around and go home for God’s sake, Danielle decided that her mortal enemy was not in fact Dina, but Caroline. Eventually, after enough timid pleading, Danielle cut her stalking short. “My kids’ instincts and intuitions are always spot-on,” she gloated to the camera. “The old Danielle definitely would have stopped in. But the new Danielle? Not a chance!” There is probably medication available that could help both the old Danielle and the new Danielle.
In other news, Caroline’s daughter Lauren is in love with a nice-enough seeming meatball named Vito. Jacqueline has a new baby boy named Nicholas. Teresa’s daughters still feel fabulous.
Do I lose all credibility if I admit to watching the preview for Season 2 four times, and that each time I got chills. Someone brings a 9mm to a party! Someone read Danielle’s court documents! Is bitch better?!
What did you all think? Are you sad for Danielle’s girls? Can you forgive Dina for Ladybug’s haircut? Could you look directly at Kim’s face?