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'The Real Housewives of New York' recap: Special Delivery!

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Image Credit: BravoI love the way Bethenny pretended not to know how to log on to Perez Hilton. If I believed her ignorance for half a second, I would applaud it — the fewer people who know or care, the better off  humanity will be. But this woman is a shrewd public figure, who has parlayed a choice turn in a reality TV show into a best-selling brand. Girl knows her way around a gossip site. All that said,  how could one not feel terribly sorry at the way her happy news was announced so prematurely to the world? Her disbelief seemed genuine, and Jason’s anger and dismay may have been the most authentic emoting ever to go down on the franchise. He looked like he was going to pop with rage, pissed that there would no longer be a joyous and intimate dinner with his parents. Bethenny, somewhat confusingly, decided she had to come out with the news. (Why?) Perhaps Jason could get his parents to New York that evening? “I’m not inconveniencing my parents because of some asshole blogger,” he said. I’m liking this good guy more and more every week!

Cut to Jill and her Google alert. (Never trust people who Google alert themselves.) It seems we cannot blame Madame Zarin for Perez’s scoop. After grumbling about being out of the loop, she kvetched that it was simply inappropriate, unseemly!, dangerous for Bethenny to spill her personal news prematurely the public. While Jill pumped for gossip, LuAnn of course took the opportunity to use Bethenny’s pregnancy to explain their rift. Oh my God, LuAnn, get over it! Yes, Bethenny believes you to be a snake. Yes, Mario called you Countless. Yes, elegance is learned. How is this an appropriate time to bring up the fact that Bethenny blocked you from Twitter, not that you even care. (We are so going to hear about this Twitter shut-out for the rest of Housewives history.)

Jill takes her feverish mind off Bethenny for half a minute to discuss the Zarin Holiday Party. She enlists Jen Gilbert, a seemingly benign woman named with impressive teeth, to coordinate an ice skating affair. Jen doesn’t get to speak much about the party because Jill has lots of things to say. She knows Donald Trump. She wants lamb chops served because then she can bring home a sack of bones to Ginger. (Not a good idea for Ginger’s sensitive stomach.) She can skate and eat, but not the other way around. She has always dreamed of an ice skating solo. Something tells me a clumsy salchow is not going to repair the damage she’s done to her reputation this season. I do feel a little sorry for the woman, who I believe has a good heart, however wrapped up it is in petty cheese cloth. But how can you root for someone who talks about her pristine rise-above-it-all nature in an interview while cutting to her actual scenes of her catty sniping? At Ramona’s TruRenewal party, Jill paid her friend back for dissing her Kodak sponsorship, criticizing everything from Ramona’s face in her literature to the ridiculousness of launching a skin care line at all. Oh Jill, the first step is owning your tendency towards bitchiness. Stop blaming production or the genre or the other women around you. There was no need to crap on LuAnn’s silly Evite, and yet you couldn’t resist.

I kind of love Alex and Bethenny’s growing bond. It strikes me as infinitely more sincere than the faux-intimacy of Kelly, LuAnn, and Jill. Every scene with that trio involves theirs heads shoved together in a circle, whispering about someone else’s betrayal or bad behavior. But Alex seemed terrifically pleased for Bethenny’s good news and gifted her with expensive maternity jeans. I did find the whole bit of Alex delivering her message rather silly. I think she was more fishing for a juicy scene than protecting the wishes of Bethenny. I felt a little bad for actually when she kept clearing her throat — “I have a delivery. I have a delivery!” — at the party to make a pronouncement. No one was listening. Everyone was pointing in alarm at the splotches all over her chest. The message was anticlimactic to say the least. “Bethenny is done!” she finally splurted out. Jill called her mean and left in tears. Alex looked like she wanted to take an elaborate stage bow. Ramon looked unsure what to do with herself — isn’t she supposed to be the inappropriate one? Simon appeared to be waiting for the gym to start playing some bad Ibiza techno music so he could get his dance on.

Darling Sonja continues to mystify. She wants to make her already tiny stomach even more teeny. Crunches are not the answer as they take too much effort and Sonja prefers not to overexert herself. So, with the explicit approval of her trusted psychic Roberta, whose gifts seem to be a willingness to compliment her clients, she is going to get a little liposuction. She took Ramona along to visit the doctor because Ramona, who is a very accomplished businesswoman and knows antiquated when she sees it, will ask all the right questions. Ramona had her serious face on at the office and started grilling the doctor on his professional affiliations and qualifications. He looked like he wanted to take his lipo hose to her jugular. “When was the last time you were board certified?” demanded Ramona, while Sonja looked around the room for shiny things. “She comes prepared,” Sonja said of her friend, dismissing Ramona’s behavior. “But that’s not the way I operate.” I appreciate Sonja’s genuine and pleasant disconnect from the real world. Yes, she is a ding dong with poop-splattered French-not-English-countryside back patio. But she strikes me as having an intact sense of humor. When LuAnn and Jill gnashed their teeth over Bethenny’s pregnancy, she yammered on pleasantly to the birds about her tummy bubble and her bout with postpartum and the need for them all to appreciate that the younger woman must be under considerable stress.

Kelly didn’t have much to do this episode, other than model Wonder Woman-red hot pants. Ever the sage, she did get in some profound words about Alex’s dropped bomb at the party. “The messenger always gets killed,” she said as Jill and LuAnn stared at her, waiting for her to elaborate. “In literature, the messenger always gets killed,” she said, waggling her eyebrows as if she had said something important.

Next week: Jill, LuAnn and Kelly kill Alex?

What did you all think? Why are these bitches always crapping on everything? (I mean the dogs of course.) Who do you think coughed up Bethenny’s secret? Who or what is going to make me ever like Jill again?

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