Dan Snierson
April 30, 2010 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1. Leonard Nimoy to hang up Spock ears, retire from business
”I find this Slanket and Sudoku book highly logical,” he said, settling into his La-Z-Boy for good.

2. Sandra Bullock asked to return Razzie for All About Steve after she was handed original instead of replica
Well, consider her blissful post-Oscar buzz ruined.

3. Helen Mirren in talks to star with Russell Brand in remake of Arthur
The age difference was too small for them to redo Harold and Maude, so welcome to plan B.

4. Secret Service offering to help investigate armed robbery of Harold & Kumar star/White House aide Kal Penn on April 20, a.k.a. Pot Day
Unidentified Thief, you picked the bong guy to mess with.

5. Failure to find MGM buyer delays next Bond film indefinitely
”Ummm, hello? These abs aren’t going to stay awesome forever,” said Daniel Craig, left hanging over a tank of angry piranhas.

6. Courtney Love ponders changing name to Courtney Michelle: ”The name Courtney Love is a way to oppress me”
It’s funny, sometimes the simplest solution…has nothing to do with solving the problem.

7. Girl saves classmate with Heimlich maneuver learned from SpongeBob SquarePants
In related news, our heroine was later sent to the school nurse after hoovering dozens of Krabby Patties.

8. MythBusters episode determines women tolerate pain better than men
And those who watch The View were shown to have a pain threshold slightly higher than Superman on a morphine drip.

9. Icelandic volcano eruption forces Metallica to endure 28-hour bus-and-boat journey to reach next European gig
The band was so impressed with the pyro show, though, it tapped the natural wonder to open for it on the rest of the tour.

10. Upset at reporter’s question, Naomi Campbell smacks ABC News camera
In her defense, at certain angles the camera looks strangely similar to an assistant. Or a housekeeper.

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