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Sound Bites: This week's best quotes

The funniest TV lines from the week of March 28

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”So, I was conceived at a rehab facility? I guess I was destined to be an alcoholic.”— Tyler (Neal Bledsoe), to Claire, after she lied and said she met his father in rehab, on Ugly Betty

”I look hot when I’m depressed. That’s why I always get hit on at funerals.” — Jules (Courteney Cox), after seeing a sad photo of herself, on Cougar Town

”I’m going to teach him the real version, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game, not smuggle stuff out of the country.”— Jay (Ed O’Neill), on teaching Manny how to play chess, on Modern Family

”If I’m like watching ice melt, then call me a glacier and let’s get it on.” — Holly Robinson Peete’s response to Sharon Osbourne after she said her team was so boring it was like watching ice melt, on The Celebrity Apprentice

”Shock waves rocked the late-’90s music industry this week as Latin singing sensation Ricky Martin admitted he is gay.” — Joel McHale on The Soup