THE VOICE OF BOSTON ROB IS HEARD OVER A BLACK SCREEN
The more and more I think about it, something doesn’t feel right. Something just doesn’t feel right.
EXT. FENWAY PARK – NIGHT
The stadium lights shine onto the field filled with a large crowd of mourners, mostly dressed in red and blue.
…and as we gather to pay our last respects to Boston Rob, I’d like to take a moment of silence to remember the many things he brought to the game of Survivor. He was the Godfather who left too soon in Survivor: Marquesas. On Survivor: All-Stars, he took a different approach. He put his arm around the beautiful Amber on day three and became her “knight in shining armor” as he dragged her to the end giving her the opportunity to win the million dollars while being a two-faced betrayer to everybody else — and he did it all with an evil smile that made many of us fall in love with him in a brand new way. And finally on Survivor; Heroes vs. Villains, he transformed himself yet again — this time into a fairly likable, extremely hardworking and challenge-dominating player who took it upon himself to go up against Russell, the biggest villain of all-time.Some might say the karma of past betrayals finally caught up with B Rob and he went down hard. Probably for the last time. Rob… you will be missed.
There is silence in the stadium. Then… a shout from the cheap seats.
What about me??!!! Where’s the love for me? I’m the one took him down. I’m Russell Hantz, the greatest Survivor of allllll-time. I’m that good.
Russell hops down the steps toward the railing and without hesitating leaps from the 300 section. It is a long way down to the field, but miraculously he lands in the middle of center field and bounces up on his feet unharmed.
The crowd recognizes him as the man who took down Boston Rob. As expected, the Boston crowd quickly becomes a vigilante group and takes after the gap toothed troll. In a flash, he is gone for there is still more game to play on Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains.
My therapist says that time heals everything, but I’m not sure how much time it will take to heal this loss. I miss him already. I miss the battle. Russell vs. Boston Rob will go down as one of the greatest battles of all time. I want them back. Now. We should do an entire season centered around Boston Rob vs. Russell. Give them some war clubs, put them in a gladiator ring.
Amber could be the ring girl. She’s dressed the same way she was in Maxim (if you haven’t seen it go back and check it out) but instead of being the sexy ring girl, this time she’s a mom, carrying child. She represents hope for the world. Goodness.
Coach would be Rob’s consigliore, his right hand man.
At the other end of the arena, Russell would stand alone. No friends. No allies.
The promos are written, the audience would be there. Right? If I told you right now that next season we’d have Russell and Rob back again, wouldn’t you be intrigued?
Okay, enough of my clear favoritism!
Man, I’m so in sync with you guys I can hear your comments already. “Why don’t you ever talk about how awesome Candace is?” “Jeff, relax, Rob is already married!” “Why do you love all the villains and hate all the heroes?”
Maybe it’s time for me to do a quick recap of everybody left in the game:
J.T. Still like him even though he is clearly playing in a way that could easily earn him a spot on the villain tribe. A friend of mine just told me that J.T. is her favorite, and she feels like she has the best husband because he’s the perfect combination of “J.T., Tyson and Boston Rob.” Not really sure what it means, but in this time of mourning I believe it is best to just share everything.
COACH Hmm. How can I say it in a new way. I can’t. I love Coach. Always loved Coach. I still want to develop a show centered around “Tales of The Dragon Slayer.” But right now The Dragon Slayer is depressed. He’s lost his way. As much as he wants to live by a code, he finds himself trapped in a corner on a game called Survivor and there appears no way out. If this were a movie, this would be the end of Act II when all seems lost. Is it? Or can he rise up from the ashes and be reborn yet again?
CANDACE Ah, man… I just got bored doing this recap. Sorry. I promise next time to talk about how the awesomeness of Candace. And she is awesome. Seriously.
COACH AND JERRI SITTING IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G….
Does anybody else think Jerri and Coach might actually have a shot at making it as a couple? I do. Seriously, I do. No, really… I do. If they could each just open their arms, let down their guard, release judgments and simply accept the other, this could be something amazing. (Come to think of it, if I could do that in my own life it’d be pretty amazing.)
Coach and Jerri just look like they should be together. I can see them trekking across the Australian Outback with the sun beating down on their necks, sweat pouring off their bodies as they stop to take… their last… sip… of water. Stranded with no transportation, no food and now no water, they must rely on each other to provide shade, comfort, and love.
I can see the poster for the movie. Coach… his arms raised in a Dragon Slayer pose, a touch of blood dripping down his forearm hints at the epic battle we will witness. Jerri is dressed in a long flowing white cotton dress, slightly torn from her own battle or perhaps just their intense passion for one another. Her arms are wrapped around Coach’s thigh as she looks up adoringly at him.
For the sequel, I can see them paddling down the Amazon as Coach re enacts being captured by an indigenous tribe, only this time Jerri arrives just in time to save the day. Coach sweeps her up in his arms, flexing his tattoos and grabbing a quick feel. They’ll make made love in the jungle, which we won’t show because in this version we want the PG-13 crowd. They emerge from the jungle, disheveled and once again sweaty as Coach is declared the new king of the land.
In the third movie, Jerri surprises Coach picking him up in an old Buick as they drive across America to Burning Man where Jerri will perform a spoken word tribute to the love of her life while Ozzy — yes, Ozzy — plays bongos in the background.
This is one of the greatest “could be” love stories of all time. Coach? Jerri? Are you listening to your hearts? Let go of your fears. Open your arms and your bodies and accept the other for all they are… and all they will never be.
If you decide to marry, I will officiate and forego my normal $25 fee as my wedding gift to you both.
RUSSELL IS THE COCKIEST SURVIVOR TO EVER PLAY THE GAME
Russell continues to flabbergast me in the most enjoyable and entertaining of ways. Calling out Courtney or Sandra as the “next to go home” right in front of their faces was one of the boldest moves I’ve ever seen anybody make in any game at any time. Wow. Give this man a wide berth cause if you don’t, he will take it.
Let me tell you what I’m really learning from Russell — when you have nothing to fear, nothing at stake, you have all the power. Russell is truly only playing to win and it shows. He is so brazen. Russell is one helluva salesman. No, I am not going to stop talking about him because he’s absolutely fascinating.
What’s even more amazing is that he is still in the game! For all the people that want to hate on him, he’s still in the game and Rob is gone. Tom is gone. James is gone. Stephenie is gone. Cirie is gone. He’s not just a crazy person, he’s a very intimidating, cunning and powerful player in this game.
Can he win the game? Remains to be seen. He still lacks social grace. I doubt he has ever had it, probably never will. But that guy will empty your wallet before you ever know he had your hand in his pocket.
BOSTON ROBS LAST WORDS
Rob: (to Coach) You’re a little man.
I love how Rob went out. He didn’t pretend it didn’t matter, he didn’t say “good luck”, he simply said what was on his mind, the subtext of which was clear: Coach, you suck.
Coach. Coach. Coach. I too am a bit dismayed. I will need time to sort through this emotionally. I will certainly need more therapy to help me understand and try to forgive. I may never see you the same way again. But I will still marry you and Jerri. Although at this point I’d feel more comfortable charging you the $25.
See ya next week.