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'America's Next Top Model' recap: I vant to suck (your blood)

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Top-Model-vampires

Image Credit: Sarah Silver/The CWCould last night’s Top Model have been any duller? Somewhere between Brenda’s blathering on about her haircut (still?!) and Anslee’s clench-jawed perpetual sourness, I slipped into coma. This is just my subconscious typing this now — obviously no person possessing both free will and the physical ability to turn something off would continue to slog through this season… right? Why is Tyra doing this to us? How can ANTM possibly continue for more cycles, when this one is already running on fumes?

This week, the modeltestants had to get up on stage, but it wasn’t the acting challenge  — at least not as we know it. The ladies had to do improv at UCB, except that wasn’t really improv, and that wasn’t the Upright Citizens Brigade theater, so who knows. (Me! I do! It was awful!) The only noteworthy moment was spotting Alasia still wearing that silver bathing suit from last week. You remember, the one the judges told her never to wear again. Allow me to switch into camp counselor mode here: Alasia, I know you like your bathing suit, but it’s not good for you to wear it all the time. When you’re not at swimming, heading to swimming, or on your way back to the cabin after swimming, you should be wearing regular clothes and the regular underwear that you and your mom packed. Also, it’s grilled cheese day! Yaaaay!

Sorry. I slipped into something fun an interesting there for a moment — grilled cheese day at camp was the best! — in the hopes of escaping my cruel, cruel fate of slogging through the rest of this episode/cycle/existence. But I am back.

At the house, Anslee scowled so hard my TV shuddered, and she talked about being a teenage mother. There are a lot of young moms this season; so many in fact that I wonder why the show didn’t just do an all-mom season. When then-19-year-old Jourdan Dunn announced her pregnancy in Vogue last year, it was a huge deal. 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom are MTV’s hottest shows right now, and Anslee’s comment that “words can’t describe how fast [she] had to grow up” was the sole moment of emotional gravity on this episode. Just a suggestion: Make this show interesting again.

Sally Hershberger stopped by Chez Modelhaus to give Brenda an “edgier” look, which I’m sure will edge its way right into being bitched about ad nauseum. I was actually convinced they were going to give her extensions or something, but Sally busted out the electric clippers and just shaved down the sides, leaving Brenda with an extremely edgy mohawky cut. The ‘do itself is fantastic — she looks like a super-cool fashion model — but Brenda hates it, because she is lame.

Off to Times Square, the fashion center of New York (no), where the girls met Makeup Spokeslady Dania Ramirez, whom Jessica claimed to recognize from Heroes. Just… false. No way did Jessica watch Heroes. Dania introduced what I thought was going to be a commercial challenge, but was actually just “pose for a video camera and look pretty” challenge. There were no lines to memorize, no grating blooper reel of awkwardness, no smooching, and no actual commercial.  Alasia expressed shock by letting her eyes cross slightly and jaw hang open — wait, no, sorry, that’s just her normal expression. The ladies took turns vamping while holding a bottle of foundation (how easy and breezy!), and while it was supposed to seem like a makeup commercial, it just read “cam girl” to me. Chat live! In your neighborhood! Boobz! The winner of the pose-off: Tatianna! Wait, who? Seriously, the volunteer mortician has had zero screentime so far this season.

Back at the house, Anslee and Alasia had a drag-out screaming fight about frozen corn. If I were going to write a satire of a reality show, and needed to include the predictable scene in which roommates face off about food (it happens so often! Puck and the peanut butter on The Real World, the Great Granola Bar debacle of yesteryear, the inappropriate food “fight” on Bad Girls Club, etc.), I might have chosen frozen corn as the most hilariously banal food to fight over. Frozen freaking corn. It’s somehow appropriate for a season so devoid of flavor and interest that they’d fight about how you need to refrigerate — or not! — corn.

This week’s photoshoot was, drumroll, vampire-themed! So Mr. Jay dressed up like it was The Matrix, because those are the same. The ladies were told they’d be decked out in fangs (which I can only assume is a dig on Tatianna’s snaggleteeth) and forced to wear white contacts, which rendered them unable to see. As Jewish grandmas everywhere say, I should be so lucky. Alas, my eyeballs were functioning just fine, so I got to watch everyone lower herself into a tub of fake blood and then mac on some poor male model. Tatianna boasted that, because she is a volunteer mortician, she is totally unfazed by such things. Man, I miss Six Feet Under.

First up was Alasia, who perched on the side of the tub, covered herself in the blood, and spread her legs in such a way that my notes here read “hurricane of abortion.” Maybe they were going for a Carrie/The Shining vibe, though. Alexandra, Krista, and Jessica were all okay.

Off set, Brenda was flipping out about wearing the white lenses. Between this freak out about how painful the contacts were and Ren’s bitchiness about her contact two weeks ago, this show is basically a PSA about how wearing glasses is awesome and wearing contacts is the worst. Once she was blind, though, Brenda did fine at the shoot. Then Tatianna went to town, frolicking in the syrupy mess, and Raina predictably rocked. Anslee was sour, and the lovely Simone struggled mightily. While the shoot itself didn’t do much for me — I mean, that meat-panties shoot from a few cycles ago was vastly more ridiculous — I was delighted by how much guidance the photographer gave the models. It was helpful and interesting! Imagine that!

Uh, is some of the Tyra Mail this season displayed in Papyrus? Gaaaah.

At judging, Tyra wore another jumpsuit, and I must be getting Stockholm syndrome or something because this purple taffeta (?) monstrosity didn’t even phase me. Tyra herself called it out as “jumpsuit number four,” but it’s number one in our hearts. Anyway, Tatianna was good, Jessica’s was just okay, but Alasia’s was deemed excellent, despite what looked to me like projectile Niagara-levels of menstrual blood. Different strokes I guess! Simone’s photo was lousy, which was a pretty clear sign she’d be getting the boot — all that camera time + failure on a shoot = adios. Angelea’s toes were the “dreckitude” of the week, and Krista was making a “bad face” even though her body looked amazing. Raina was awesome, Alexendra again impressed the judges even though I thought it was blah, Brenda’s body was all wrong, and Anslee was too “vacant.” Also, Anslee was wearing Contempo Casual cast-offs from 1997 — a pleather-print shirt and light-wash flared jeans? Oy.

This week’s winner: Alasia! Whatever tenuous emotional connection I’ve attempted to form with this cycle was pretty much severed at this point. Alasia is too annoying to root for and too bratty to enjoy ironically. The runner-up: Raina, who I guess I’m pulling for. Tatianna, Brenda, Alexandra, Angelea, Jessica, and Krista were safe. Would Simone and Anslee please step forward?

It was pretty clear just from the editing that Simone was going to be the one sent packing, which sucked. Simone is gorgeous, and while her photos weren’t amazing, Anslee’s seemed a lot worse. Au revoir, Simone! (Get it? Like the band? Like PeeWee says? Anyone?)

Are you as grumpy about this season as I am, PopWatchers? Are you on Team Alasia yet? Do you think “dreckitude” is going to happen, or is it the “H-to-T” of this season?

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