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Jennifer Love Hewitt suffering from 'love-aholicism': Dating memoir recommends spray tans, Spanx, and tiaras

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Image Credit: Rob Kim/Retna LtdI’m increasingly unsure if Jennifer Love Hewitt is simply harmless and corny — a big-boobed Bambi with nothing but heart-shaped intentions — or if she is in fact some kind of evil genius.

The young woman, a favorite punching bag on blogs and in rags over her unremarkable weight and dating history, has what appears to be a thriving TV show even if I don’t know anyone who has ever caught an episode. She gets work, even if it often is in direct response to her romantic woes. Now she’s gone and capitalized on all those splattered shots at love and poured them into a new Hallmark card-sized book, The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello, My Name is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I’m a Love-aholic. The book is pocket-sized, possibly 350 words in length, with a busty cartoon caricature of the young author on the front and a Harlequin romance-style head shot of her on the back. In the photo she is all blushing cheeks in a field of flowers, wearing what appears to be a Danielle Steele creation of pink wispy negligee. The writing itself feels ripped straight from any high school girl’s binder, lots of hearts and P.S.’s. There is an awkward example of sex-texting that doesn’t bear repeating. There is an unfortunate ode from her now ex-boyfriend Jamie Kennedy to the marvels of a shapely woman’s rear. (“Ladies, ladies, ladies, let me tell you something. Stop trippin’ on yo’ butt.”) There is even a chapter on what to do when you find skid marks on your fella’s under shorts. (“I have been introduced to Mr. Brown before and I didn’t handle it well at first,” she confesses. Her giggles jump right off the page!) And of course, as you may have already seen on her promotional rounds for her debut book, there is the sincere recommendation of self-crystallization.

It’s hard to pick out her choicest revelations, but here is a random sampling.

1. Don’t take a diuretic before a date.

2. Give your vibrator a name. She recommends Brad.

3. Don’t call six times to confirm plans. And don’t worry if he’s late picking you up. And whatever you do, don’t get on a scale while you’re not worrying that you’re being stood up.

4. If you find yourself home alone on a Saturday night, cheer yourself up by wearing a tiara in the bath.

5. If all else fails, remind yourself of things you love about yourself and your life. For instance: She loves monkeys! And scrap-booking! And Christmas!

There is not a doubt in my mind that one day, should Love Hewitt ever walk down the aisle, it will be in a behemoth of a dress, with swans limping in the background and released doves fleeing overhead. It will be in front of a production crew under the softest, gauziest of lights. She most likely will have met her groom on a dating show on Lifetime. And while we will roll our eyes over this silly little thing, the woman will be collecting money hand over fist.

Should we feel sorry for Love-Hewitt or fear her growing power? As of this morning, Amazon ranked Cupid the #1 selling dating book. So who out there cops to buying a copy? Do you miss the girl you used to know on Party of Five?