Margaret Lyons
March 26, 2010 AT 04:00 AM EDT

PopWatchers, clear your calendars on Valentine’s Day. Forget the romantic dinner, the slow jams, the ring-in-the-champagne proposal. Stay home and watch TV. Specifically, Tyrannosaurus Sex, the Discovery Channel’s ”new special that investigates dinosaur reproduction” and uses ”ground-breaking CGI [to] bring new life to one of the last mysteries of these great beasts.” Excuse me while I go boil my brain in holy water and try to hang on to the last pure memories of Jurassic Park.

The press release for the show is a thing of both beauty and terror — not unlike a dinosaur, really. ”Tyrannosaurus Sex doesn’t just answer the questions, it shows dinosaur sex in all its glory,” it says. Please god, no. ”How did a ferocious T-Rex woo his lady? How did a female Titanosaur support the weight of a male who was as long as a four-story building is high? How did a Stegosaurus couple negotiate sex with all those deadly plates and spikes?”

Um, what about feelings, show? What about learning to incorporate healthy communication into a mutually fulfilling relationship? What about the dino equivalent of Sue Johanson? When will we get Tyrannosaurus Sex Rehab? The mind reels.

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