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Article

The bullseye: April 2, 2010

”Dancing With the Stars”, Michael Vartan, and Drake made pop culture news this week

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HITS
· Shannen Doherty on Dancing With the Stars: We haven’t been this excited about seeing someone dance since Baryshnikov.
· Best porn name for an Oscar-winning film: Fresh-Ass: Based on the Novel Tush by Assfire. (Thanks, 30 Rock!)
· Watching Oprah narrate Discovery Channel’s Life, waiting for her to bellow ”HippoPOOOOTAMUSSSS!”
· A new book of Shel Silverstein poetry to be released next year!
· What a feeling, indeed! Flashdance: The Musical heads to the West End.
· Rosie wants a new talk show. Rejected titles: I Hate Elisabeth Hasselbeck, I Hate Star Jones, and I Hate Donald Trump.

NEAR MISSES
· Shia LaBeouf runs the L.A. marathon in 4 hours, 35 minutes. Which is also, coincidentally, the running time of the next Transformers movie.
· Drake name-checks Jada Pinkett Smith on new single. It was either her, Alfonso Ribeiro, or DJ Jazzy Jeff.
· Michael Vartan and fiancée met in Whole Foods parking lot. Publicists concoct story after they realize ”buying Cheetos at the Mobil station” isn’t as classy.
· V returns — Bullseye’s head just exploded — one mythology-heavy series too many!
· Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher get married. The bride wore Vera Wang; the groom, a onesie.
· We feel bad about your breakup, Jennifer Love Hewitt, but when you say you take a bubble bath with a tiara, it makes it very difficult to like you.

MISSES
· Yuck. We think we just caught cooties from Michelle ”Bombshell” McGee.
· irony (noun): Rachel Ray, the woman with the worst voice in America, attends a music festival
· Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler in The Bounty Hunter: Can we make a citizen’s arrest?
· Heidi Montag legally can’t have another boob job. So that’s the health care reform they were arguing about in D.C.
· Lindsay Lohan could be banned from India. Looks like I Know Who Killed Me finally found its way overseas.

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