In honor of season 10’s debut tonight, follow these 10 simple steps for a fluid transition from agonizing work day to dazzling ballroom night — and since my techniques might not work for everyone, suggest your own Dancing with the Stars preparation tips in the comments!
1. End all sentences with “Liiiiiiiiiive!” Whether you’re picking up the phone, greeting a coworker, answering a question in your Nihilism and Pop Culture philosophy seminar, or simply providing context to the action-based elements of a story, it’s a win-win. You get to pretend you’re Tom Bergeron; other people get to admire your enthusiasm in a world as bleak and meaningless as this one.
2. Go home You’ve annoyed everyone. It’s over.
3. Try to “dance” The rumba could go over very well on a crowded train or bus. Pick a target and put your back into it. You can do it. Hey, since when are you on the aggressive end of sexual harassment on public transit? Look at you, taking some initiative!
4. Award yourself a ’10‘ You saw that the only things in your mailbox were fund-raising fliers and two Anthropologie catalogs from the evil overlords who want to remind you of pretty things you will never afford, and you brought that filth into your home anyway because the $48 belt on the $400 dress on the back cover constituted a Hidden Gem of the Week. You get a 10.
5. Slip into something more sparkly If there’s nothing suitable in your closet, the drugstores have shiny Easter candy on sale right now. In particular, Reese’s miniatures on or near your nipples would really pop.
6. Mix a drink Something in a jewel tone is more likely to match your outfit, but clear is foolproof. You could spill during step 9.
7. Tape your boobs together No one has to see. Masking tape is fine; clear packing tape is sexier. If you go overboard and encase your entire body in tape, ask a friend to ship you to 1 Sequin Road, Planet Mirrorballus, Alternate Universe.
8. Be productive Consider replacing the rhinestones at the corners of your “DANCMSTR [Your first initial]” vanity license plate with new, bigger rhinestones.
9. Execute one lunge See photo. Congratulations, you worked out! Beautiful lines!
10. Hum the theme song while mimicking the facial expression of Enthusiastic Chimes Lady
You’re ready. Don’t forget to come to EW.com tomorrow for my recap, DANCMSTRs!
Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett