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Sound Bites: This week's best quotes

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”I’m Colombian. I know a fake crime scene when I see one.” —Gloria (Sofia Vergara), to Jay, after he lied about killing Manny’s turtle, on Modern Family

”Erin and I have our first date tonight, and it has to be perfect. Why? Because according to How I Met Your Mother, that’s the date your kids are going to wait patiently to hear about. So you better have a good story for them.” —Andy (Ed Helms) on The Office

”I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a champion. But after that sex scandal, the man is a god.” —Tom (Aziz Ansari) on Parks and Recreation

”When I get into a rut, I whip out my naughty underwear. It makes me feel sexy until about 4 o’clock, when I realize no one’s gonna see it.” —Jules (Courteney Cox), trying to cheer up Andy, on Cougar Town

”I did it! I’m a Broadway star! Jenna, could you accept my Tony for me on my behalf? June is a tough month for me because I begin lifeguarding again.” —Tracy (Tracy Morgan), asking Jenna to accept his nonexistent Tony award for his one-man show, on 30 Rock

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