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'Gossip Girl' recap: Some burning (and not-so-burning) questions answered

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Image Credit: Giovanni Rufino/The CW Many questions were answered during last night’s episode of Gossip Girl. Some – like those about Chuck’s mom – were of vast importance to the characters and could have a lasting impact. Others – like whether we will ever in our lifetime see a less attractive post-coital pose than the one Dan Humphrey was in after getting it on with Vanessa (Answer: No) – were not important at all but still entertaining. I’m filling in for Tim Stack, who is off doing things that will surely be of interest to you (but I can’t tell what they are because I’d get in trouble). But fear not, he will be back next week to dissect an episode about Jenny’s virginity for you. In the meantime, let’s get to the episode, presented to you in Q&A’ form. Note: Don’t read on if you haven’t seen last night’s episode. In fact, if you haven’t, what are you doing here? Go, shoo, shoo!

What should I have for breakfast while reading this recap?

Cereal. But if you’re dining at the Archibald residence this morning, your menu is prix fixe. You will be feasting on toaster waffles, strawberries, whip cream, and Nate. It gets a four-star rating from Serena, who simply stated ”Yum.” Heathens not welcome, Archibalds keep it classy, you know.

Okay, so what’s the deal with Chuck’s mom?

After a lot of back and forth (and I’m talking a lot), we finally discovered that the mystery woman was planning on giving Chuck up for adoption at 19 because she was not ready to be a mom. Bart, Chuck’s dearly departed dad, felt differently. He wanted his son, kept him, and over the years, Bart even paid the magically disappearing mommy to stay away. She told Serena, who seems determined to make everyone’s issues about her, that she never needed the money because she wanted to stay away. Serena took offense to this and mumbled/garbled harsh words to Chuck’s mom. My Serena translator reports that she either said, ”There’s no child that doesn’t want to know their parent.” or ”Is my cleavage really that apparent?” You choose. Either way, Chuck’s mom was moved and decided to meet with her son. It ended with a truly vulnerable moment for Chuck, where he excitedly told Blair that he’ll call her in the morning and give her deets on his private convo with his mom. The ”I will” he said to Blair might be the two most honest words to ever come out of Chuck’s mouth. Me = melting.

My boyfriend’s ignoring me. What should I do?

Take a page from the Blair Waldorf Guide to Dealing with an Emotionally Troubled Boyfriend, of course. Read a fashion magazine, send some texts, and if your friends are in the other room having lots of loud sex, make sounds like you’re having some too. Call out a name to make it really believable. Oh, and pray he doesn’t call while you’re doing so.

Does Little J. get busted with pills?

You bet, but after some confusion. You see, Lily caught Jenny and Damian in her room, and – having a daughter like Serena – immediately thinks they are having sex. Don’t worry, Lily, they were just organizing their prescription pills for distribution. Geez, parents are so out of touch these days. So Rufus came in ready to have a chat with Jenny, and that went well. And by ”well” I mean not well at all, and Rufus decided that Jenny needed to go back to Brooklyn. Damian got his stash from Jenny before leaving (because gentlemen don’t leave their stashes behind), but she got angry at him for leaving with no regard for her feelings. In retaliation – and to prove she’s totally more grown up that he thinks she is – she grabbed his scarf of pills and threw them on the ground for all to see. She took the blame for the pills for a while before Damian stepped up and (kinda) told the truth, in part confessing that his father is an addict. Jenny still got sentenced to Brooklyn, but never gets there. She runs away, which is so unlike her. Wait. Oh…

So Vanessa and Dan get it on. I thought she didn’t like him?

Not so. She was blowing him off because she was afraid of what it would do to their friendship. But they both got over it. So much so that they decided to burn the viewers eyes out and sleep together in a sign of boldness and blind youthful bliss. And in case that wasn’t enough, Vanessa decided to rid us of another of our five senses by uttering this line: ”That was just as fun without Olivia.” My ears have yet to cease bleeding.

Things aren’t going well. I caught my little girl with prescription pills, I might have had an affair, and now I can’t find my scarf. Do you know where it is?

Your wife has it. Your possible mistress left it with the doorman. The doorman told your wife who had your scarf. And Rufus, stop writing to me.

So there you have it, PopWatchers. Now, tell me, do you have any burning (or not-so-burning) questions about last night’s Gossip Girl episode? Feel free to answer each others.

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