On last night’s two-part reunion special, Vicki made a lot of air quotes, Alexis narrowed her eyes menacingly, Lynne wondered where she was, and Tamra alternated between a state of genuine pain and authentic cattiness. Gretchen showed her stunning blind side on all matters Slade. Andy, I have to say, was a pointed interviewer, holding the ladies and particularly Slade to task. Jeana made a quick appearance and again I was reminded why I neither like nor trust that woman. I know she was a fan favorite for a lot of you, but I think she has a very real mean streak. Blaming Tamra’s divorce on her “white trash roots,” she kept digging, with a big passive aggressive smile, at the woman’s supposed Daddy issues. Tamra seemed stunned by the attack and accused her of not only having Mad Cow disease, but the “seriously” kind. I’m not saying these women don’t all behave badly but something about Jeana just rubs me wrong. Is it because she sends dippy emails to friends in floundering marriage with the brush-off advice of giving a quickie blow job? Is it because she brings up her daughter’s D’s at the Pink Taco before her straight A’s?
We’ve spent a long season with these broads so you’ll have to forgive if I can’t bear to rehash ad nauseum the blows dealt last night. Gretchen thinks Tamra’s break-up was all for the sake of publicity. Lynne tried to have us believe that she neither drinks nor smokes. Vicki threatened to walk off set when she felt ganged up upon. (Really dear, this routine is getting old. I’m with Tamra. Stop being a cry baby and be accountable for your meaner moments. Blaming Tamra for the toilet paper episode does not excuse your participation.) Gretchen own’s Jo’s music catalogue—which is deeply weird on multiple levels—and fancies herself a singer. Alexis is a servant of God, not Jim.
Blah blah, blah. Momentum kicked up a few notches when Andy invited the husbands on stage. (Though Simon was a no-show.) Frank had a strange mohawk, and was accused of being a grifter. I can see it! He vaguely admitted to past mistakes and possible guilt for some unspoken transgressions but insisted he’d learned some unexplained lessons. Wha? Jim, wearing crushed velvet and various shades of purple, declared himself a better man and the proud changer of one poopy diaper. He blamed his dictator-like behavior on his Armenian roots. Donn was as good-natured as ever, articulate without ever being hammy as he expressed regret for not better telling Simon to lay off his wife throughout the season. Finally it was Andy’s time to shine. Blaming it on a reader’s question, he asked Slade if he was an “opportunist and media whore.” Slade declared that he and Gretchen started dating at least seven months after Jeff died, that he never had any desire to be on this season of Housewives, and that the proof was how he chose to bow out after Season 2. Andy, without missing a beat, schooled him. In fact, Slade and Gretchen hooked up five months after her fiance’s passing. And the reason Slade didn’t return for Season 3 was because without Jo in the picture nobody had any interest in the man. “Correct,” said Slade. “‘Kay,” replied Andy. A deliciously awkward silence ensued before Andy flipped to his next arrow of a question.
In the end, Andy offered the ladies a shot at one more display of vulgarity. What would their Season 5 bumper stickers read? “Housewives gone wild!” piped up Lynne, thrilled at her originality. Tamra, who declared herself a “free bitch!”, as the sound of Simon furiously tapping out a new Facebook status update rang through the sky, of course brought it all home.”Here’s to five skinny bitches!” she shouted. Clink. Smash.
What did you all think? Who impressed you the most? Who acted like the biggest idiot? How do you rate Andy’s performance? Give me your best bumper sticker.