1. Barack Obama appears on 1,000th episode of America’s Most Wanted
Biden finally caves, agrees to cameo on 50th episode of America’s Best Dance Crew.
2. Martha Stewart plans reality show in which she surprises folks with event/redecorating help
The ”Make Your Cell Feel Less Like Hell” segment sounds promising.
3. Mo’Nique snags Best Supporting Actress trophy at Oscars
Title of next book: I Didn’t Shave My Legs for This!
4. At concert in Germany, Kelly Clarkson leaves stage mid-song to pee
It gets worse. The incident inspired her to create the dance remix ”Since U(rine) Been Gone.”
5. Chef Jamie Oliver and wife adding another child to brood that includes Poppy Honey, Daisy Boo, and Petal Blossom Rainbow
He’s hoping for a boy this time, so he can give him a more straightforward name, like Endless Wedgies.
6. New Line to resuscitate Police Academy franchise
Michael Winslow waits by phone, makes convincing flatlining-to-beeping-heart-monitor noises.
7. Glee to embark on stage tour in May
Choose your seat carefully: Even-numbered rows get mohawks, odd-numbered rows enjoy slushie facials!
8. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to serve as guest programmer for Turner Classic Movies on March 22
Definitely not making the cut? Celtic Pride.
9. Warrant issued for former lead singer of Warrant
Said the lead singer of Slaughter: ”I don’t like where this is headed.”
10. American Idol deactivates contestants’ Facebook, Twitter accounts because feature tallying ”fans” and ”followers” can’t be disabled
Pssst! Their Friendster accounts are still fully operational! Can’t believe no one’s noticed!