Somewhere in Castle Abdul, Queen Paula is sipping from a giant Pepsi cup and patting her chihuahuas on the head. “We did it! We did it!” she cackles, as she rests her tired, speed-dialing hands in a vat of Epsom salts. Okay, maybe not. But sugar, American Idol appears to be going down, if the Paula-free first week of the show’s season 9 semifinals — particularly tonight’s baffling results show — is any indicator. [SPOILERS AHEAD, West coasters, so bow out now if you don’t want to know who got booted.] Seriously, America, Tim ”I can’t do falsetto so I chose ‘Apologize'” Urban over Joe “Hey, I hit 88% of my notes and this is what I get?”Muñoz? And Jermayyyy-ayyy-eee-aaay-ayyy-ee-ayy-ehhh-oh-ah-aaayyy-nnnuh Sellers over Tyler “sex on a stick” Grady? Computer says “no.”
And on the women’s side, while the results were slightly less shocking and offensive, I’d still have preferred to give Janell “trembling hands” Wheeler a second shot over Lacey “Stevie Nicks is having a hit put out on me right this second” Brown or Paige “quite possibly holding her singing doppelganger hostage as part of a deranged prank” Miles. ARGH! Only the sensible ouster of Ashley “America suddenly hates pretty girls” Rodriguez is stopping me from giving the nation a quadruple side-eye.
What did you think of tonight’s Idol results show? Did the wrong people go home? Did you notice that dropped audio toward the end of the show? (Click here to get EW’s exclusive on-the-scene explanation of which Idol got bleeped.) Who got luckiest out of the surviving 20 singers? Which cuts were totally deserved? And finally, were the fan-freaking-tastic cameo appearances by Allison “‘Scars‘ had better go Billboard Top 10″ Iraheta and Kris “he’s even cuter when he’s holding a babeh” Allen enough to soothe the savage beast within? Sound off in the comments below, then click over for my detailed American Idol TV Watch recap. And to get all my Idol updates, follow me on Twitter @EWMichaelSlezak!