There were so many eye roll moments on last night’s post-American Idol debut of Fox’s Past Life — starring Kelli Giddish, Nicholas Bishop, Ravi Patel, and a woefully under-utilized Richard Schiff — but I’ve heroically whittled my list down to 13. Basic premise: NYC’s Talmadge Center, where these people work, studies “The Science of the Soul.” First up on last night’s ep: A fluffy-haired boy who suffered from Emergent Recession Trauma kept getting scary, water-related flashes of his previous life as a little girl and the team had to figure out who killed her by creepily following the kid around with a camera to fully capture the crazy. We get four new episodes of this crap over a 10-day stretch! A new hour, or what Fox is calling “the series premiere,” airs Thursday, and two more new eps will air Tuesday and Thursday next week. (Fringe will return to Past Life‘s Thursday time slot on March 18.) If you saw it last night, will you watch again?
I’ve listed my 13 instances of lame after the jump, but if you can’t bear to read them, just help me decide which was more distracting/disappointing: That Kelli Giddish is a perfect cross between Elizabeth Banks and Heather Locklear and yet her character is not sassy at all, OR that Nicholas Bishop looks so much like Ben McKenzie — especially in certain lighting schemes and during severe head tilts/looks of concern — that I kept wanting to shake Officer Ben Sherman and tell him he was working on the wrong coast.
13. What is up with this Noah kid’s hair???
12. “Yeah, well, you can’t get DNA from a memory.” Snap!
11. Kate orders “a quarter shot of hazelnut” in her $5 latte
10. Price Whatley/Ryan Atwood checks under passenger seat mirror to “get his angel back”
9. Kate’s awful mom: “Husbands are like Jesus. Just another white man telling me what to do.”
8. Kate cancels a date THE NIGHT OF to hang out with her awful mom
7. Token Indian employee Dr. Rishi Karna calls Price “Beautiful Mind”
6. Richard Schiff tells Price, “Very good work, detective.” NO! He’s gotta make him work for his approval, not give it away for free in the first episode. Toby Ziegler come back to me!
5. Price told his wife to jump off a cliff, AND SHE DID IT, and now she’s dead.
4. Dramatic pan around the marina! What if Maria is the name of a boat?
3. “HE LEFT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN. HE LEFT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN. HE LEFT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN.”
2. Most awkward hug ever put to film between Noah and the “abducted sister all grown up” of the little girl Noah used to be. Way to f— with her head even more!
1. Kate to Price: “The greater the doubt, the greater the awakening.” Wrap it up, Coldplay!
Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett
Image credit: Jeremy Cowart/Fox