· Okay, Steve Jobs. The iPad has our attention.
· Congratulations on your engagement, Jane Krakowski! (We would have proposed long ago if the U.S. legalized unions between women and magazine charticles.)
· The smooth, tasty Justin Timberlake fittingly awarded Harvard’s Hasty Pudding Theatricals’ Man of the Year prize.
· Tilda Swinton says she’d play Conan in The Late Shift 2. Somebody please make this movie!
· CBS orders another season of How I Met Your Mother; the show becomes the longest-running missing-persons search since Patty Hearst.
· Tim Burton to head the 2010 Cannes Film Fest jury. He does know it gets awfully sunny in the south of France in May, right?
· Rosie O’Donnell admits to Oprah Winfrey that taking hormones gives her Brillo-like facial hair. Gillette executives realize they’ve found their replacement for Tiger Woods.
· ABC supposedly wants Paula Abdul on Dancing With the Stars. Abdul replies: ”You are ridiculous. I want to squish you, squeeze your head off.”
· Good Charlotte’s Benji Madden scraps the band’s new album. Fortunately, bandmates stop him before he renames the group Mediocre Charlotte.
· After botching her lines at both the Golden Globes and the SAG Awards, it’s safe to assume that Felicity Huffman won’t even get an invite to present at the CableAce Awards.
· Yikes, Nathan Lane! There’s a caterpillar on your lip. Oh, never mind, it’s just a really bad mustache.
· Kirstie Alley and Joy Behar engage in Twitter war. We can express our feelings in far fewer than 140 characters: ”Who cares?!”
· Paranormal Activity 2, we’ve got your new demon: Gary Coleman.
· Veronica Mars currently investigating what happened to Kristen Bell’s movie career.
· Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie rumored to split after they each discovered that the other one is an assassin hired to kill them.
· Halloween came early this year (see: Heidi Montag, post-surgery.)