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Dan Snierson's Hit List

The 10 hottest topics for the week of Jan. 15, 2010

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1. Polaroid announces that Lady Gaga will serve as ”creative director and inventor of specialty products”
If you’re confused by this news, don’t worry: Just shake it for a few minutes and it’ll become clear.

2. Jersey Shore star arrested for fight
Hmm. I just typed the words ”Jersey Shore star” and my keyboard automatically filled in the ”arrested for fight” part. Let me try that again: ”Jersey Shore star”…”appears in sex tape.” Hey, this is cool!

3. Howie Mandel replaces David Hasselhoff as a judge on America’s Got Talent
Man Who Can Shake 100 Hands in 10 Seconds hangs head in disappointment.

4. Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood are reportedly engaged
The couple plans a tasteful ceremony on Gene Simmons’ tongue.

5. Inmates at Mexican prison moved to different jails to accommodate filming of new Mel Gibson movie
Said a prison spokesperson: ”Never underestimate the currency of Hollywood star power in our country — although a suitcase of unmarked bills would have worked just fine too.”

6. Jason Alexander introduced as Jenny Craig spokesperson
He’ll follow the typical low-calorie, no-eclairs-from-the-trash-can diet.

7. Avatar is now challenging Titanic for the spot of top-grossing movie of all time
Which means we’ll be talking about this blockbuster until we’re all blue in the face.

8. Kate Gosselin jokes to People that she is changing her name to Kate Clean-Slate
Kate + Clean-Slate = too late.

9. Lost fans rejoice as White House backs off scheduling State of the Union against final season premiere
Best. Presidential Pardon. Ever.

10. Disney Channel announces that the upcoming fourth season will be the last for Miley Cyrus’ Hannah Montana
Continues the network: ”We wish Miley all the best on her next pole. Oops, did we just say pole? We meant role.”