Oh Don, will you marry me too? The ruddy-faced resident O.C. mensch proved yet again that he is the dearest doll on this show. Vicki surprised him with a surprise love letter on the beach, and then a surprise romantic trip to Turks & Caicos, and then a surprise wedding vow renewal ceremony, and Don just wore the same tickled, watery-eyed expression throughout. Like Don, we must accept Vicki for her short-comings. We must accept that she will say something crass when presented with the view from their lavish resort suite. (“See, if somebody says money doesn’t matter, they’re poor.”) We must accept that she will make multiple Viagra/conch shell jokes. We must accept that after Don pours out his heart in his ravishingly sincere and touching vows Vicki will counter with carat size. The girl can’t help herself! But if Don is in, then I’m in too. I can’t help myself. Vicki, I love you.
While one O.C. couple was sucking down rum punch, another one was dissolving terribly before our eyes. Simon insists his marriage is rock solid. “It works,” he told Tamra in a threatening tone. As long as Tamra listens like a good little girl and doesn’t let in evil influences like Vicki or Gretchen. (Simon does have a point that any supposed rekindling of a nonexistent friendship is a bogus move, but he lost his argument when he started making up words like “unrehensible.”) As long as Tamra understands that Simon will put his flip-flopped foot down if she steps out of line. Tamra sobbed to her mother that she didn’t want to end up the 42-year-old divorced mother of three kids living in some modest condo. Hey, it worked for Lauri!
Maybe Simon and Tamra need to turn to God , or at least to Alexis and Jim’s Donny Osmond-doppelganger preacher for direction. The couple — you’ve never spent a night apart in five years, we know — soaked up the day’s sermon, which seemed to basically be an urging to turn to your neighbor and tell them to stop whining and get over it. (Love them and all, but in a way that makes them feel really bad about themselves.) The Bravo editors clearly don’t like Jim in the least. The camera would cut from him preening on and on about how he lays his hands on his wife and children each day to bless them to a shot of him urging the nanny to put them in time-out if they ever acted out. God is forever loving and supportive. Cut to Jim carting his squirming daughter out the door like a log before shoving her on the nanny. Cut to Tamra and Gretchen snickering that 700 ccs worth of blow-up bosom does not a Christian woman make.
Elsewhere in la la land, Gretchen worried that Lynne’s shrill and spoiled daughter Alexa is depressed. “So I was over at Lynne’s house getting tanned…” she said, describing her first window into a young girl’s tortured heart. She asked for Lynne’s permission to take the girl out on a little shopping trip and see if Alexa might like to share her demons with someone other than her cat-eyed mother. Lynne slurred that that would be lovely. While eyeing a bedazzled tank top, Gretchen rather clumsily spilled that the purpose of their expedition was to provide some spontaneous therapy. Alexa started crying to the older woman (“how old is she, like 40?!”) that she had no one to talk to in her life. Just that morning she was telling her unsympathetic sister how freaked out she was that Gretchen had invited her to go shopping and her sister just turned up the radio. Now her make up was running in public. Thanks a lot, Gretchen! When Alexa told Lynne how weird the whole day was Lynne reacted with her typical brand of confused amusement. Oh Lexie, you’re just on your period. A little spot-toning will make everything feel better inside.
Next week: The girls TP Jeana’s house! Bitches.
What did you gluttons think? If Lynne was holding a gun to your head (“so heavy and shiny”), would you rather be married to Jim or Simon? Should we believe the rumors that Tamra and Simon have actually split? Is Lynne’s new face scary? Does Jim and Alexis’ nanny need to be rescued?