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'Obviously thou art not a golfer': What if Shakespeare had written 'The Big Lebowski'?

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Regular readers may be aware that I’m a big fan of The Big Lebowski. Why, only this week I presented one of my buddies with the birthday gift of a t-shirt emblazoned with the image of John Turturro in the movie and the deathless slogan “NOBODY F*#%$ WITH THE JESUS” (which is really going to tie his wardrobe together).

But even I can’t claim to have spent too many sleepless nights wondering what the Coen brothers’ tale of weed, bowling, and micturated-upon rugs would have been like if it had been penned by William Shakespeare. Nevertheless, that question has now been abundantly answered by a young film-maker named Adam Bertocci, whose script for what he has titled “Two Gentlemen of Lebowski” combines the Bard of Stratford with the Dude of LA (or “the Knave” as Bertocci has renamed Jeff Bridges’ character). Thus, the assertion by John Goodman’s character Walter Sobchak that the aforementioned Jesus “served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an 8 year-old” becomes “Two seasons has he idled in prison for exposing his manhood to a pageboy.” Meanwhile, Goodman’s insistence that Steve Buscemi’s character should, “Shut the f— up, Donny,” transmogrifies into the rather less foul-mouthed “Hold they tongue, Donald.”

And, perhaps best of all, this early exchange between Bridges and a pornographer’s henchman…

BLOND TREEHORN THUG: [holding up a bowling ball] What the f— is this?

THE DUDE: Obviously you’re not a golfer.

…is rewritten as…

BLANCHE

Villainy! Why this confounded orb, such as men use to play at ninepins; what devilry, these holes in holy trinity?

THE KNAVE

Obviously thou art not a golfer.

Gadzooks, methinks ’tis all as fine a way to waste an hour or so as I have come across in these four seasons. But what thinkest thou?

Photo credit: Big Lebowski: Everett Collection