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Kim Kardashian: What can you learn from watching her sensuously devour a Carl's Jr. salad?

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PopWatchers, I’m a new woman! Kim Kardashian’s commercial for Carl’s Jr.’s Cranberry Apple Walnut Chicken Salad is so damn alluring that just like that, my role model has switched from Loser Lemon in a Slanket to Apple Bottom in a Cream Sheath. I’ve learned so much from Kim, and in only 32 seconds!

My chief takeaways:

–Neat freaks eat messy salads on their beds.

–If you clutch your sheets and arch your back while planning your next bite, maybe the salad won’t ravage you first.

–Forks are lame.

–If you take more than a few bites of food, it’s high time you washed those sins away in a bubble bath.

–The clean, crisp, and tasty salad baubles with which your finger plows your mouth should be dripping with extra dressing.

–Right after your your voiceover says “The best things in life are messy,” be sure to share a secret glance with the camera. This is your money shot. He knows you are speaking in riddles!

Now I just need to learn how to modify my voice to sound exactly like Paris Hilton and I’ll be Classy for the Holidays. What lessons did you learn from Kim Kardashian’s second sex tape, P-dubs?

Follow Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett