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'The Real Housewives of O.C.' recap: Guys Weekend

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The girls brought their best dresses and smackiest lip gloss down to Fort Lauderdale. Lynne, looking like Tawny Kitaen on check-in day of Celebrity Rehab, brought her meds and her high flip-flops. Her neck was locked, her ears were puffed, and she was on a hunt for some swamp-raised shrooms. We knew Jim and Simon would be in tow. What we didn’t expect was Slade sauntering into the lobby in a pair of white shorts. Vicki’s face went slack, and her twitching eye went into overdrive. Vicki had rightfully complained that having a few of the men in the midst would upset the rhythm of her woo woo. Cut to Tamra stroking her husband’s thigh with a little patented Housewives sweet talk: “Is that a wallet in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” Vicki you’re a nut, but congratulations on having the good sense to excuse yourself to the mini-bar and high thread count sheets in your hotel room. I like to imagine that you Skyped Don for a little pep talk but I worry that instead you left five panicked messages for Brianna asking her to call you back and tell you how much she loved you.

Vicki and Tamra went for some alone time on a spa date. Vicki told her that Simon looks at her with hate in his eyes. (He really does.) “I think you guys are a lot alike,” said Tamra. (They really are.) But Vicki is sad that she’s already cried twice on her girls’ weekend and she says she’s too much of a Debbie Downer to endure a Sunset Cruise with Slade and the other fellows. This struck me as entirely sane. Why go on a boat under the pink sunset to watch the couples splinter off so they can neck for the camera? (Except for poor Lynne, who french kissed the air when her drugs kicked in.) When Vicki begged off the cruise she didn’t strike me as overly angry or snippy. She said she was seriously bummed and would therefore be a bummer. All she asked of Tamra was not to trash her in the limo to the rest of the gang. So I do wish Tamra had gone a little easier on her friend, spinning Vicki’s no-show in a more compassionate light. The last thing she needs to be doing right now is giving Simon material.

Why Slade, Gretchen? The man makes eating cantaloupe look upsetting. He radiates glibness and anger. And yet you insist he is your best friend and that you love to ride him like a bull. Every time I’m struck by how reasonable you seem in your private interviews you go and release that attention-crazy laugh and stuff cutlets into your bra. I hate to see Alexis given the opportunity to crinkle her nose in righteous disapproval and yet I too sat at home watching you with a weary wince. Come on Gretchen. Surely you can do better.

Oh yeah, Jim told Alexis to pull her skirt down. And Alexis insisted upon telling us again how they haven’t been apart in five years.

What did you all think? Did you feel a little bad for Vicki? What do you think of Lynne’s mug? Did Tamra’s tears at the prow of the boat make up for her cattiness in the limo?