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Scott Brown's Hit List

The 10 hottest topics for the week of December 4, 2009

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1. Daniel Radcliffe wants kids
”So I can immediately send them off to boarding school, where they will acquire tremendous parental resentment and, with any luck, magical powers.”

2. Stiletto-loving Victoria Beckham may need a bunionectomy
Scientists believe the bunion, once removed, will somehow weigh more than Victoria Beckham.

3. Vince Neil is ”writing [a book] about all the stuff you don’t know about”
”Like string theory. You know about string theory? Didn’t think so. Well, it’s in my book, right after the chapter on multiple-groupie dynamics.”

4. For Thanksgiving, Courtney Love makes out with DJ Qualls, takes him to a strip club
In her way, she was teaching us to give thanks for all the crazy things we don’t feel compelled to do because Courtney Love has already done them for us.

5. Tom Arnold marries for the fourth time
You’re halfway to Mickey Rooney’s record, Tom. Don’t stop believin’.

6. Padma Lakshmi explains her preference for nudity: ”Clothes are adjectives”
And, frankly, we’d all rather see her proper nouns.

7. Anthony Michael Hall allegedly bit his girlfriend on the forehead
That’s it! I declare an end to this vampire craze. The rank and file can’t even do it right.

8. Meryl Streep ”can’t remember the last time I really worried about being appealing”
Me neither, sister! Then again, I work from home, and I also can’t remember the last time I shaved my neck.

9. Saddam-themed satellite TV channel debuts in Iraq
This makes good on Saddam’s final threat to ”live forever in syndication.”

10. As part of performance at strip club, Tila Tequila reportedly demanded 20 cans of Red Bull on her table at all times
Tila, it seems, does not believe in the art of the ”slow” striptease.