Paris Hilton’s career was built by one video. She used to be an heiress, and then she was a sex-tape participant, and then she was a convict. Now she’s an ”empire.” And Khloé Kardashian? More people probably know her than Meryl Streep at this point. I heard Meryl auditioned for The Real Housewives of Connecticut but didn’t make it. She tested well, but didn’t have the Q score.
Being a celebrity train wreck became a true cottage industry over the last 10 years. It feels like a new flock of ”celebrities” just stood in front of their camera phones and told us they were famous until we believed them. I find it hard to believe that it was an accident that Paris, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears just happened to be flashing their crotches in 2006. Clearly somebody said, ”Okay, you’re going to walk out of this club, holding hands like the most f—ed-up buddy system ever, and you’re going to climb up into an Escalade wearing short skirts and you’re going to get your ass on the cover of Newsweek.” And it worked! So now Jon Gosselin is standing on his lawn calling to the paparazzi, ”Please come here,” and Kate looks like the normal one. Kate Gosselin! That’s the world we’re living in. I’m so desensitized, I’m looking at her haircut and thinking, ”That’s not so bad.”
It’s not just celebrity train wrecks, either. It’s Sarah Palin — a woman people consider seriously as a presidential candidate — with her knocked-up teenage daughter and my beloved Levi Johnston. I have a whole plan for Levi, and I’ll tell you what it doesn’t involve: him being with his kid. It involves him shaving his chest, working out, laying off the carbs, and living like a gay man but being straight.
All of this is so ridiculous that you need to process it somehow. I think that’s why people come to my shows, or read this magazine. We need The Soup and Best Week Ever — we need the comedy just to get through the day. We are living the movie Network, and we’re about one click away from televised executions. I admit that I’m part of the problem, not the solution. I know that I should be doing smart, thinking-man’s comedy, but last week I actually introduced Hailey Glassman to Levi and I felt like Christiane Amanpour. I’m doing important work here.
I don’t think I’m going to run out of material anytime soon. This might be a little premature, but I just saw a picture of 3-year-old Suri Cruise in heels. I’m not saying that’s a celebrity train wreck yet. I’m just saying the train is in the station. And thank God. I thought my career would end with Dakota Fanning.