The verdict is in: Candy Corn Dots are disgusting. If you like candy corn, don’t try them. If you like Dots, don’t try them. Even if you’re hungry, and they’re all that’s left at Fright Aid. Just avoid them.
I could potentially have stomached more than four of these death pellets if they’d been fruit-flavored instead of candy corn-flavored, even though orange and lemon are my two least favorite Dots flavors. But the fruit is a moot point. Dots are inherently suggestive of fruit, but we all know that after about 10 of them, the five original flavors end up blending together into one called “spicy chemical waste.” Instead of a fruit-tinged sludge, Candy Corn Dots hint vaguely at burnt marshmallows. Not candy corn. If you had not seen the Dots box or known what a candy corn looked like, “candy corn” would never occur to you until maybe an outside party presented them and asked, “Would you care to take your mind off of things with some candy corn?” To be fair, it’s an impossible feat: Candy corn’s chalky consistency is what makes it so special, and a wet-yet-bullet-proof gummy substance could never hope to measure up.
In one way, Candy Corn Dots succeed: A candy corn tastes like nothing else in this world, and so do Candy Corn Dots. Though the products consequently do not taste like each other, a similar concept is at play, wreaking havoc on your cold-spaghetti innards — and for that, a single, well-meaning Candy Corn Dot should be lifted up, quizzically eyed, possibly licked, and somewhat respected before you pour the rest of the box into the trash.
Thanks for sending a Halloween package to the office, Mom!
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