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'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' finale recap: Moose and Heifers

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zolciak-nene_lY’all gather round. Turns out Kim and NeNe ran into each other at Lil Bow Wow’s Mom’s clothing store. French tips wagged, spittle flew. NeNe still could not believe she was denied her rightful chorus on “Tardy for the Party,” which has since been propelled all the way up to #3 on the iTunes dance chart. The conversation over who was the biggest bitch escalated to the point where NeNe allegedly choked Kim and shoved her wig up against a wall. The Bravo production team still cannot believe they weren’t on hand for the heavyweight championship that NeNe swears was a 10.So instead of another demoralizing scene of a street fight we got to hear about the confrontation in double-speak, as Kim gleefully tattled to Kandi. “She’s a f—ing moose!” she said, the bleeps badly missing all their marks. NeNe, her bravado exhausted, seethed to the ever faithful Dwight. “We’re not going to be friends ever!”

Kim, who’ll do anything for more screen time, invited NeNe over to talk it out some more. She started blabbering about morals and values and at this point I kind of wished one of the grips would stuff Kim’s pack of Parliaments into her mouth. Between the two of them the words “PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME” was screeched 100 times. NeNe left in a huff, swearing that she wanted “the bitch and her wig out of my life.”

With their toxic friendship put to rest (until Season 3!), it was time for everyone to get off to a fresh start. That meant Kim met with her stylist to rethink her image. She still loves tank tops and wigs. She still wants to keep that framed naked photo of her hanging in her bedroom. But Big Poppa is still married and never going to leave his wife going to make an honest woman out of her so she’s done with all the slutty clothes. I wish she had come to that decision before taping all of her private interviews in an upsettingly low-cut milk maid bustier.

Ed decided that with his football career officially over it was time for him and Lisa to think about downsizing. “I’m going to allow you to be the man and take charge,” she said condescendingly, her face frozen at the idea of leaving their mansion. I applaud Ed’s good sense. I wish he’d had the sense to talk Lisa out of the silver space dress and neck armor she wore to Sheree’s fashion show. The couple is threatening to write a relationship book which means they can go on tour with Alex and Simon. Key party!

Sheree saved heself by having Dwight run the production of her fashion show. I admit the man has overstayed his welcome on some past episodes but my God did he work his tail off. He was calm, decisive—”You can start on the eyebrows and eyelashes. Don’t wait!”—thorough, and thoughtful. He handled every single detail, from the pressing of fabric to the drape of a hem to accessories to seating arrangements to Sheree’s She by Warrior hair piece. And still that bitch did not thank him! “I got to pat myself on the back,” she said after the show. Dwight’s success has unfortunately infected Sheree with an invigorated sense of grandiosity, as she now intends to add “exercise videos” to her “empire.”

Finally, all bitchiness aside, I can’t say how grateful I was to watch Joyce extend herself to A.J. at the Mother’s Day barbecue. After weeks of hand-wringing and negativity, Joyce sat down next to the young man and was genuinely gracious and kind. “We can still work towards making things better for everybody,” she said. “I think we had a wonderful Mother’s Day today and I know that made Kandi very happy.” It about made me tear up. For a second there I thought I saw A.J.’s lip quiver as well. “That made me happy,” he told Joyce. It was such a bittersweet end note in a season of ugly chaos and shrill drama. It turns out Kandi and A.J. had indeed broken up before he was killed.  Kandi has proven herself to be a formidable woman, with grace and good sense rarely seen on reality TV. I hope she gives herself the freedom to skip the reunion altogether. The last thing she needs right now is to sit between Kim and NeNe as they retell their sides of a small story.

What did you all think? She by Sheree? Yay or Nay? Gregg for Husband of the Year? Why can’t NeNe ever just be quiet? Do you think Kandi will make it to the reunion?