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'Réalité' (in five parts): Tears on 'SYTYCD'; bad 'Bachelor' picks on 'DWTS'; blasphemy on 'Top Model'; Nina Garcia on 'Runway'; brilliance on 'Top Chef'

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The last week of reality television can be boiled down to five simple mathematical equations:

So You Think You Can Dance – Mia Michaels + Paula? x married contenders + Billy Bell solo = Tears

Dancing With the Stars + Bachelor Jake x Van Amstel eyelashes = Pure Unadulterated Horror

America’s Next Top Model + “official exit theme” x “honking for God” = Express Ticket to Hell

Project Runway – Cher-style headdresses + diamond-encrusted crotches + white lace = Still not enough Nina Garcia

Top Chef + Jennifer, Kevin, and the brothers x “cat food” = Epic Win

Of course, for a less succinct, but (hopefully? possibly?) more kicky take on all of the above shows, check out an all-new episode of Réalité, embedded below — Parts 2-5 stream automatically when you’re done with Part 1. (If you have problems viewing the EW video player on the PopWatch page, you can try viewing Réalité at our Fall TV video hub). And if you want to suggest more reality shows for us to cover, holla at me (thoughtfully, please) on Twitter. I can be followed @EWMichaelSlezak.

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