The last week of reality television can be boiled down to five simple mathematical equations:
So You Think You Can Dance – Mia Michaels + Paula? x married contenders + Billy Bell solo = Tears
Dancing With the Stars + Bachelor Jake x Van Amstel eyelashes = Pure Unadulterated Horror
America’s Next Top Model + “official exit theme” x “honking for God” = Express Ticket to Hell
Project Runway – Cher-style headdresses + diamond-encrusted crotches + white lace = Still not enough Nina Garcia
Top Chef + Jennifer, Kevin, and the brothers x “cat food” = Epic Win
Of course, for a less succinct, but (hopefully? possibly?) more kicky take on all of the above shows, check out an all-new episode of Réalité, embedded below — Parts 2-5 stream automatically when you’re done with Part 1. (If you have problems viewing the EW video player on the PopWatch page, you can try viewing Réalité at our Fall TV video hub). And if you want to suggest more reality shows for us to cover, holla at me (thoughtfully, please) on Twitter. I can be followed @EWMichaelSlezak.