If last season was a coming out party for NeNe, this season of Housewives is all about Kim. Whither she goes, her wigs traveling the wheel of blonde shades, so goeth the Bravo production team. Last night we were privy to the woman’s party planning skills. No sliders, no sad slabs of cheddar. She wanted tartare, she wanted the best vintage of appletinis, she wanted a smooth hangover. It was a K & K birthday party, for her and her new sister Kandi. NeNe was most definitely not invited.
Big Poppa didn’t seem to be in attendance, but he sent a diamond engagement ring instead. After months of soul-searching—”You’re saying health insurance costs how much? My chardonnay bill is that high? You honestly expect me to pay for this cellulite massage?”—Kim decided she and Poppa were meant to be. Oh and it turns out Big Poppa is smooth and sleek and cream colored. He vrooms instead of talks. He beeps money and, according to Kandi’s impersonation, has a thick accent.
Oooh, NeNe was pissed about this party. How do we know this? Because she invited Lisa over to talk about how she is so not going to the party she was never invited to attend. She called Kim a “dirty low-down monkey with a wig.” Lisa, to her credit, wondered why NeNe’s directed her anger Kandi’s way. NeNe said that Kandi always looked at her funny and that “a lot of weak women are bothered by me.” I don’t think Kandi is that woman but I’m not so sure about Lisa, who promptly promises NeNe that she won’t attend the party either.
Meanwhile Sheree enlisted Dwight to help plan her She by Sheree fashion show. She sat there and took it when he retooled her entire vision. No black runway. No ponytails. No Evite. (Evite?! Is this a fashion show or my four-year-old neighbor’s circus-themed birthday party?) Dwight is probably going to be similarly troubled by Sheree’s bungee cord dress made of scrunchee fabric. Sheree’s friend Tania accompanied her to New York to have a look-see at the samples. Something about that woman is not right. She’s always smiling but underneath that agreeable expression is something vaguely menacing. I’m thinking she’d kill someone—possibly Sheree, definitely Lisa—to get one of the Housewives‘ slots.
Kim showed up to the big birthday party with explosions of red feathers on her heels. Her diamond ring was a hit with everyone, especially Kandi’s mom. What is wrong with this woman? She seems terribly cold to her own daughter but this wack woman with a married fiance is somebody to celebrate! The speakers blurted out “Tardy for the Party.” Kim snapped her fingers and yanks the top of her dress up to the beat. Even Sheree was impressed! But when it came time for Kandi’s concert, where unfortunately her main dance move is a bicep curl, Kim was a no-show. I guess one of her kids had a recital that she just couldn’t miss.
Memo to Bravo producers: Please no more couch pretend interviews between Lisa and Ed.
Let’s be honest Housewives fans. The season is lacking, which is why the promo for the O.C. really rang my bell. “Oh my gosh, he’s banged three housewives…This serves as your eviction notice…So you’re going to jail?…We’re heading towards divorce….I’m going to kill this bitch.” Make me feel guilty, girls.
What did you all think? Are you tired of the Kim show? Are her daughters doomed? Would you want Tania to be a regular player? Will NeNe’s high heel marathon going to redeem her any in your eyes?